criminal minds | one-shots ✓

5. that time spencer accidentally punched derek in the face (& other moments)

i. nutcracking (walnuts, not men)

somebody - somebody whose first and last initials are pg and is the only somebody who would actually do this - buys hotch a nutcracker for christmas.

whether it's supposed to be a gag joke or not still has yet to be determined since it's been sitting in his office for years, but he doesn't immediately throw it away and/or look at with complete disgust and disappointment, so it must not have been a total fail. 

it's a pink, two foot tall statue with blue eyes and its teeth pulled back like it's permanently grimacing, and is actually one of the ugliest things ever, but garcia smiles like she's all delighted when he opens it, and they do actually have nuts from gift baskets everyone had gotten from, funnily enough, gideon, so they'd all ended up using it. more than once. 

it's a late night, almost one in the morning, because the case they'd been working on was long and they all still had paperwork to fill out. jingle bells is playing appropriately from the bau office's speakers and everyone is kind of gathered in the bullpen around the center desks. they sift through papers and files, pretending not to see elle slip spencer some of hers, a dull light from hotch's office illuminating everything, and piles of walnuts in sections between every other person.

derek reaches for a handful, throwing them at elle as she takes forever loading hers into the nutcracker, one at a time. 

"hurry up." he says, and she sticks her tongue out at him, like the five year old she is. maybe putting them next to each other wasn't the greatest idea.

when she finally finishes, he takes it from her, frowning. he's busy concentrating on trying to figure how to work the ugly, too tall thing when he hears elle incredulously getting onto somebody about something. figures.

"what the hell are you doing?" elle asks, and derek turns to look at her directing the question at spencer. figures. 

spenced glances up at her, frowning. "uhm. what do you mean?" which is a fair question, because spencer doesn't look like he's doing anything, except eating walnuts and reading through papers - her papers originally, so she should actually be thanking him, really.

"did you just - you just cracked that walnut."

"...yeah?"

"with your bare hands."

"...yeah?"

derek turns to elle, about to ask if she's feeling okay, when he pauses - wait.

what?

"you did what?" he asks and spencer gives him a funny look, gesturing to the walnut shells in front of him.

"i cracked them. like you're supposed to do. before you, you know, eat them?" he says, speaking like he's explaining something to a five year old, as if derek's the one cracking open fucking walnuts with his bare hands, "now, if you don't mind, i'd like to eat my nuts in peace." he adds, then flushes when he's realized what he's said.

gideon looks up, in what looks like equal parts regret and exasperation as morgan laughs and exchanges looks with elle who's doing her best not to. she's failing.