My heaven, My hold

time to move on ?

The day after that it was time, i was allowed to go home.
I was determined to find him, the person who killed my best friend.
But I couldn't drag Dean into this, I have to do this alone and he has to live his life. I stood in my room for a short time, between the bed and the window, I packed my things, my shorts, Dean's camera, the photos and much more.
He walked into the room smiling, that amazing smile, but I didn't smile back.
,,What's wrong? You can go, be happy."
I looked at him, he looked confused.
,,Dean.."
"I... listen to me. Thank you for being there for me the last few days. I wish there were more people like you, I can still remember the first time I spoke to you, my world stopped for a moment and I finally felt at peace, I still don't know why.
But I have to find him, the man or the woman, and you just have to move on, go to Sam, have a nice life, find a woman and be happy, I'm thinking of you, but I have to do this. Maybe we will meet again."
Suddenly Dean's gaze changed, I don't know what it was, but I felt like someone was ripping my stomach out.

Dean
I stood there, I couldn't say anything, I was speechless, I thought I finally found the person to spend the rest of my life with.
And he had just talked me out of it with one sentence, it hurts so much, but he doesn't know that. Anyway, I never told him how I feel, nobody knew.
I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now, but all I can say is that it hurts like hell. I think he was hoping for an answer, something, but I couldn't, it didn't work.
He took his bags and left the room, without looking back.
And there I was, in an empty room, ready for the next resident, where I had met him one, the person I neglected my brother for.
I think maybe it's true, right person, wrong time.
Hopefully.
Hopefully we'll find each other again one day when nothing will stand in our way.

I sat in my car, at least she's here.
I've been just driving around for hours.
What is he doing now?
I don't know if what we had was true love, but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever felt.

Months had already passed and I hoped every day that he would be at my door and we could start all over again.
I lost my one sock, I searched and searched.
"Damn, where is that fucking sock?"
I ran around the house, desperate, why is it gone.
It was the middle of the night, I had to find it, it had to come back. I started crying, but why?
Sam must have woken up because he came around the corner and looked at me sadly.
"Dean, what are you doing?"
Completely absent, I ran back and forth and threw all over.
"My sock, I have to find it"
I started shaking, I got hot, I got no air anymore.
Damn, why does it all have to be so shit.
„Dean, hey..",
Sam came to me and held my face with both hands. But I couldn't look at him, I wandered.
What was going on?
"It's fine, we'll buy you new socks"
"No no, i need this one, there isn't one like this, i really need it, it can't be gone"
I sobbed.

Sam hugged me so hard that I was suddenly thrown back to reality.
„Dean, what's going on? You've been so upset and absent for months"
I couldn't move, I couldn't get any Word out, just like when Cass told me he was leaving and not coming back.
Maybe I could have stopped him.
I've never asked anyone to stay, i should have done it, maybe we could have cleared that up. Since the day I've been begging the universe for you bring you back to me, I've done everything, prayed, pleaded and begged and I hoped so badly that it could hear me, all I want is one chance to do well.
I lost him, now I realize I never wanted anything more than him.
„Dean ?"
I must be lost in my thoughts again.
,,I can't"
,,What you can not ?"
„Cass"
He looked surprised.
"Cass? The one in the hospital back then? What about him ?"
I was confused for a moment but then it occurred to me he didn't know him, he had never seen him either, because once he was in the room Cass had his back to him.
"He just left, he said I should live my life and forget him, but Sammy, I can't do that, I've tried sooo hard, but I can't get him out of my head, how could he just go like that? Without warning? You should get to know him and he should get to know you."
Sam looked worried, opening his mouth only to say nothing.
I rummaged in my pocket, he had to see it.
"Here look, he did this with his camera of the two of us, this is him, he loves taking pictures."
Sam took the picture and looked at it, Cass looked beautiful, dark hair and some of his curls in his face, and his eyes, those incredibly beautiful blue eyes. Sam stood up, determined, he looked at me seriously and said:
"Pack your things, we're looking for him"
"What Sam, No, he said-"
"I don't care what he said, look at him and see how he's looking at you, you have to find him."
He was right, I looked at the picture again.
He was so right.
What if ?
What if he actually loves me too?