MATTEO (book 2)

51. XENA

I hate how Matteo can just show up and the world will fall at his feet. I hate how it took him all of 2 days to find me, and 5 days to bring me home- all while saving and retuning the other girls back to their family and killing the abusers.

I hate how he just has so much power.

Mom brings me tea and a croissant, sitting on the edge of my bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. Jet lagged."

I wish everyone would stop asking me that.

"I'll let you rest." She kisses the top of my head, leaving the room. Only for Benji to walk in.

"Hey, love." He smiles. "My mums sick, have to head home for a couple days."

"Safe flight." I smile.

He kisses my head. "I'll call you when I land, you call me if you need anything at all, okay?"

"I will. Love you."

"Love you too." He kisses my head again, saying goodbye as he leaves.

I sleep for most of the day, barely eat and then decide i need to stop pitying myself and get up, jogging to the gym.

Benji has his own gym but I prefer the one I've always went to.

I regret coming here as soon as I do though.

Matteo was lifting weights, a lot of them, on his own.

I put my headphones on and start on the treadmill, pretending he doesn't exist.

I can't fall back into him. I need to move on.

After warming up on the treadmill, I stretch, seeing he had moved to hip abductors.

He's lifting so much. More than his body weight definitely.

I start with my usual bicep curls, only able to do short sets because of my injuries.

I put my weights on the bench, and somehow convince myself adding an extra 5 on each side would be fine.

As soon as i'm laying in my back, lifting the bar up, my arms start to shake.

Too scared to ask for help, but knowing I'm going to drop it, I try and move it back.

Suddenly it's lifted from my hands and placed back where it should be. "Xena." Matteo frowns. "You're supposed to be resting."

I just need to get out of the house.

"I'm fine-"

"Clearly not." He looks at the weights. "Come on pretty, you're damn lucky someone was around, that would've crushed you."

"I said I'm fine, Matteo." I snap.

He just looks at me. "Come on."

"No-"

"Come on. I wanna take you somewhere."

"I'm working out."

"It'll be a workout just to get there, just..." He tuts. "Come on with me."

After a while of arguing, I give up, following him as he grabs a drink from the vending machine and starts to walk.

We walk silently, our headphones on. I follow him as he walks to the middle of fuck nowhere.

"Matteo?" I take my headphones off.

"It's just down here." He holds my hand, helping me step over the small creek.

I keep walking with him, shocked when I see the most beautiful lake I have ever seen in my life.

"Pretty, right?" He asks.

"How'd you find this?"

"Oh, Romeo nearly drowned me in it once. But... It's really nice." He keeps walking, sipping on his drink.

Cus that's just normal?

We keep walking as we reach a rotting log pushed over, he sits on it, staring at an empty glass beer bottle.

I sit beside him. "Did you come here to drink?"

"All the time. It's quiet." His eyes linger on the bottle. "I've been sober a year, and sometimes my anger comes back. When I was drinking, if something made me anrgy, I came here. Last night, I got angry at some friends of mine, far too angry for no reason. I came here."

"It's calming."

"It is." He picks the bottle up, dropping it in the lake.

"Why did you never tell me?" I ask.

"Not exactly something I wanted people knowing." He says. "Why aren't you telling people what's making you so angry?"

"There's so many bad guys out there. Keilani and Ciro have been finding them for 23 years and they're still not all gone. Am I wasting my life trying to resolve something that will always be present?" I look at him.

"Is that what you're angry about?"

"I'm angry about everything. About what they did to me, to the other girls. I'm angry at myself because I'm feeling this way when they went through so much worse and are fine-"

"You're assuming that they're fine, baby. I know the young one was admitted for trying to commit suicide." He slides his hands into the pockets of the his shorts.

"You're allowed to be angry, Xena. At anything you want to be angry at. Your feelings are valid."

"But they hardly did anything to me-"

"Would you say that to one of the girls you save? To stop feeling sad because nothing really happened to them? But they were still taken and abused. Would you tell them not to complain?" He raises his eyebrows.

"No." I shake my head.

"So why do it to yourself?"

I shake my head.

He crouches in front of me. "What else?"

I hate how he can read me like a book.

"You found Neves and now my passion for doing this is gone. All I wanted was her. I have her."

"You're allowed to not do this, Xena. Everyone will understand."

"No they won't. They have such high expectations for me."

"So what?"

"Matteo-"

"You gotta stop putting other people in front of yourself, pretty. You'll only end up killing yourself." He sits by the lake, letting his fingers trail across the top.

"You come back from rehab and suddenly you're a motivational speaker."

"I was killing myself before I went to rehab because I couldn't live up to the expectations people had put on me." He stands up, drying his hand on his shorts. "You're not alone in how you're feeling. All i'm trying to do is help you."

I stay silent, our eyes meet for a while and then he clears his throat. "If you don't speak to Hamada, I will. Let's go."

"We've only been here a while."

"I need to get back home and you don't know your way back. Let's go."

Headphones on. Silence. We walk back to the gym. He drives me back to mine. "Where's your little boyfriends mustang?"

"He's on a flight back to London."

"You get that help if you need it, Xena." He smiles at me.

I get out of the car, walking into the house.

How does he know where Benjamin lives?

He probably stalked him, who am I kidding.

I call a therapist I have the number of. "Xena."

"Can we talk one day?"

"Of course. When suits you?"

"Friday."

"I'll see you at 10AM."

"Thank you." I hang up.

I hate being surrounded by negativity all the time.

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