The Skinned Man In My Basement

1

On a warm spring afternoon when the sun was doling out its shine to all of god's creations, Pubert Cumberbatch resided in his home as he prepared dinner. Today was just an average day for Pubert, which included doing his usual work at the office and coming home to the embrace of nobody. Tonight's special to be shared with only himself would be a turkey and cheese sandwich. Not to mention this was on the menu for the past two months. Pubert munched on his typical meal as he had a fake conversation with the friend in his head. Everyday they'd chat about either the weather, sports, or the turkey sandwich.
"It's beautiful out today," he whispered, "and have you seen that sunset? I haven't seen anything so beautiful since-I can't find an example."
Now he'd just given up, he already covered the three topics. The rest of dinner was spent in silence, the only sound being the aggressive munching of his meal. During Pubert's daily routine, after dinner he'd drop dead on his couch while watching The Big Bang Theory. That's always the conclusion of his day, repeating the cycle all over again in the next.

"Wake up Pubes!" The magical  woman seductively whispered in his ear. He had awoken in a mysterious house where a bunch of random people drank and smoked. Kneeling in front of him was a woman he'd fantasize about all the time. She threw her curly auburn hair behind her back and swiftly swiped her tongue over her lips.
"A-Amy?" Pubert weakly responded, still adjusting to wherever he was.
She chuckled, "You have to slow down with the beer, you totally passed out."
He raised his eyebrow, "What? I just don't expect you out of all people to be talking to me. Didn't you call me weird and ran at the sight of me?"
Amy let out a tiny giggle once again, "Not right now. I'll tell you whatever you want me to, I'm just a figment of your imagination. Now let's make out."

So they made out, and it felt pretty cool. Too bad it wasn't real and Pubes woke up again with the realization that he's a loser who still dwells on high school when he graduated 6 years ago.
"Darnit." He exhaled in defeat. The rest of his day consisted of sulking about how much he sucks.
Then as suddenly as a car broke all of his uncle's bones that one time in 1998, Pubert got an idea. What if he went out to see the light of day? What if he started to chat it up?

So he crept his way to the  Starbucks near his house. He knew it would be bustling at this time of day. The first people he saw were two young women sipping on their iced caramel macchiatos.  He slithered towards them and recited his script, "Hello two young women. You are looking beautiful today. Is there anything you'd to talk about-like the weather or sports.

Both looked like Pubert had walked in wearing a thong. The one on the right made a mixture of a confused and disgusted expression, "Do I know you?"
He had to keep the conversation going or else he couldn't hook them in to be his new friends. He peered down at her air forces.
"Those are dirty," he observed, "you should wipe them down. You wouldn't want to play into the stereotype, would you?"
The one on the left gave an obvious side eye, then
death stared Pubert.
"Listen, whoever you are, leave us alone. We don't know you. And don't you ever come at my friend for her shoes or it will be the last thing you ever say. Got it?"
He let out a sigh of disappointment, "Yep. Have a good day."

Clearly that didn't work out well. But hey, he could always try talking to someone else. Now he was seeking out his next opportunity. That's when he spotted the same ginger curls sitting at a table which he daydreamed about sniffing. There they were, swaying back and forth. This was his chance to make up for what he didn't say to her in the hallways. He skipped up to her and grinned, "Amy! Guess who it is.."
There was not even a head turn. He tapped her on the shoulder, "Hello!"

She swooped her head around this time, but she looked very agitated,
"Who are you? And who is this Amy you're talking about?"
A red hue appeared across Pubert's cheeks. He was wrong, this was not Amy after all.
"Sorry, wrong person!"
He gave up for real this time, turning around and jogging away. He didn't know to what destination, just wherever the wind took him.

"Sir, you dropped your wallet." There he quit running, swinging around again to the sight of an above average looking man with a chiseled jawline and soul shattering blue eyes. This man happened to hand back Pubert his wallet.
"Oh, thank you." he responded.
"No problem."
For the first time in a while, a warm feeling ran through his veins. Someone had shown him a genuine act of kindness instead of spewing a plethora of insults. Maybe this was truly the one.