Love Balm - Matt Sturniolo

Small Comforts

Ella
A week had passed since I'd been found online. Matt had texted for a few days, and eventually given up when I hadn't answered. I can't say it felt good to ignore him, it felt fucking awful. I wasn't angry at him. I mean it was shortsighted and selfish to not have explained how serious his world was, but we'd happened so fast and things had fallen into place in a very coincidental way. I understood how it didn't come up as a topic of conversation.
What I felt was vulnerable. My pictures were floating around, pictures I recognized, some I didn't and must have been from friend's accounts. The clip of me walking into Matt's room gave me butterflies the first time I saw it, remembering the thrill I felt at being in his space and the excitement of being around someone I liked. Now when I saw it, I felt invaded. The internet shares that moment with us, and it wasn't theirs to have.
The hardest part was how they'd found out about my money situation. I have no idea how they discovered that out so easily, but it was humiliating. They'd found my parents apartment building on google maps and posted pictures of it. It wasn't from a good part of the city and according to the internet, I wasn't worthy of Matt because of where I came from. It was an insecurity I'd already felt and now had been brought to the surface against my will.
I was sitting on the second floor of the library in a sofa chair, directly in the line of sight of the private study room we'd shared that day after pizza. I heard Chris' laugh before I saw him, and my stomach flipped as I swung around to look for him. My stomach immediately sank when I laid eyes on him and saw he was with Nick, but not Matt. He spotted me across the library in the same moment and when I waved, they headed towards me.
"Hey guys," I said with a kind smile.
"Hey Ella, how you doing?" Nick asked.
"Ah you know, I'm alright," I sighed. That was as good as I could explain it. "Had to deal with my mom for a while. She wasn't too happy getting messages from random girls, but it's died down a bit."
"Alright that's good," Nick said as they sat in the chairs opposite me.
"I know it sucks though, getting your privacy invaded," Chris commented as he pulled out a bag of candy from his bag and popped one in his mouth and looked around the library casually.
"That's exactly how it felt," I replied, rubbing my face in my hands. I was tired of thinking about this. "It was going really well, you know? And now everyone shares it with us. I didn't want that."
"We know, we get it," Nick said. "We've dealt with this, and we all feel the same way. Some things are for our audience, but we all want control over what those things are."
I listened while Chris continued eating his candy, and Nick reached into the bag for one too. As he chewed he asked, "have you spoken to Matt about it?"
I gave him a look as if to say, come on, you know I haven't, and he sighed.
"Look, I don't want to interfere, but I think you should hear him out. Talk to him about it," he said.
"Yeah, Ella. He gets what you're going through. He's going through this too," Chris added.
"But he was prepared!" I exhaled. "He's already gotten all the crazy messages before me and he's probably gotten over that, it's not as big a deal for him." They each gave me a look that told me I was wrong.
"He's never publicly liked or dated a girl, Ella. He wasn't prepared, and it's definitely a big deal for him, too," Nick said. My heart sank. I hadn't known that, and I hadn't considered it either.
"Yeah, but..." I struggled. "It's just the things they found out about me..." my voice cracked as I felt tears of embarrassment coming and fought them back with a deep breath. "I'm so humiliated..." They both looked at me quietly and we sat in the silence for a moment.
"This is a conversation you should have with him," Chris said. "Just trust us, we know Matt better than anyone."
I looked at him, hearing the genuine tone in his voice.
"Okay..." I conceded. I really did want to talk to Matt, but I was hurt and I didn't know what he might be feeling. "Alright I will."
"Good," Nick said, standing up. "I'm sorry this happened to you, but it doesn't have to go this way, you know?" Chris stood too, and in this moment of difficulty, I felt appreciative of their kindness. They didn't have to care, or try, or even talk to me. I stood too and reached for Nick, who sensed what I needed, and took me in his arms for a hug. When we parted, Chris had his fist out and gave me props, which made me laugh just a bit, because he always did that and I always found it sweet. It was the first time I'd smiled in a week.
"Thanks guys."