my heart is refusing me | loreen

I

Chapter I
"Eleven years later"

Carmen is too excited to think about anything at all when she enters the national selection. She doesn't consider anything either, because why would she? This opportunity, suddenly given to her again, is too good to pass up. The first time had its ups and downs, and maybe this time would be better.

Maybe it would be the final dot at the end of a sentence, showing that this part of her life was over. That she could turn the page and start clean, without the downs, just the ups, without bad memories. It would mean the girl could redo the wrongs from the first time, could rewrite history. It would be like she never existed. It would mean Carmen healed.

She did, long ago, but this would only strengthen that claim.

(Carmen doesn't consider that this reassurance she's seeking could mean something entirely opposite.)

After the application is sent, the brunette momentarily forgets about it. Then, weeks later, she reads the email in her inbox and the excitement is back again. Just how it had happened eleven years ago. Suddenly, there are flashing lights and music and a big, cheerful crowd ahead.

Before she can tell, the nationals are over.

And she's won.

And she's fucking excited to have been given this opportunity again. It's not just a chance to win, but a chance to wipe clean everything that happened the last time.

Until, a month later, her fingers shake before her phone screen, resting above, and she reads the names.

Not names but a name. A singular name. Her name. Because the universe granted her with the same opportunity Carmen was given.

It didn't feel like an opportunity anymore. No, now it was a curse.

Carmen feels like she's stripped away of her chance to redo the wrongs. To start off clean.

For once, she regrets not considering the what ifs, hates herself for not thinking about the one thing that seems impossible. Because why would she join again?

There's bile in her throat, she tastes it, and the brunette knows this shouldn't bother her anymore. So what? She'll be there, but that's not a lost opportunity. If she doesn't get in the way, then Carmen can still rewrite history and ease her mind.

But no, this bothers her. Bothers her too much.

(And she still rejects the idea that maybe she didn't heal.)

It bothers her how her name isn't lost in the list of others. How it still sticks out like a sore thumb and how Carmen can't just ignore it.

But she's fine, she reassures herself, this is nothing but a bump in the road.

A meditation session, two, maybe a cig, and it'll be alright again. Just more motivation to put in extra work.

And work she does. Carmen is restless. If she's not practicing her choreo, then she's working out. If she's on vocal rest, then she's listening to her song. Time moves quick and the time for the first interview abroad comes too soon, in her opinion.