my heart is refusing me | loreen

III

Chapter III
"Selfish"

Fans, however, unlike Carmen, turn out to be completely infatuated with her answer. It's on their Pinterest boards and social media bios and their lock screens and, well, everywhere. They find it inspirational and authentic and raw, and the brunette finds it disgusting.

These people are idealising a lie.

But you have to lie, sometimes, when hard times call for it. In this case, too. Carmen tries to remind herself that, because without this thought in her head at all times - she'd self-destruct. She's wrecked with guilt and worry.

Guilt, because people believe her.

Worry, because lies never last. Someone will know - if not now, then later. But they will.

Perhaps it's not quite lying Carmen despises. In fact, she lies all the time. Everyone does. And she's not bothered by it at all. Maybe it's the size of the lie, or maybe, more likely, it's the fact that the brunette simply does not want to lie about everything Lorine's done. Carmen shouldn't cover for her, she shouldn't hide the older woman's actions.

If she could simply say one word. Something, anything. Carmen just wants someone to know, she doesn't want it inside of her anymore.

Yet the brunette stays silent. She's bound to this act because her manager says that, at the end of the day, the pair are so much better as a duo. That they indefinitely boost each other's reputations. That if Carmen never started their pretend playdate she never would've gotten the media's attention this quickly.

She'd be forgotten like so many Eurovision artists.

Before long, she finds herself at the top of most rankings. Because, of course, her manager is right (he's, somehow, always right). People could love a song all they want but nothing ever gives a better popularity boost than drama and connections and old sappy shit.

Their 'eleven years later' reunition works like magic.

So much so, that Carmen ends up in the so-called 'big three', even without sabotaging Lorine's career (she admits that that was just a late-night intrusive thought and she'd never do that to anyone (maybe)). Käärijä, Loreen and Carmen - the three of them are mentioned everywhere and anywhere together, never one by one. They're put up against each other as enemies, most of the time, and on rarer occasions - as friends (usually after shooting some interview where they act like old pals).

A lot of the time people rumour that Lorine and Carmen are against Jere, simply because the former two have a prior history (and act lovey-dovey with each other). But naturally, the media is wrong. They conspire and speculate, but that's it. Everyone's incorrect about Lorine's and Carmen's friendship status and they're mistaken about the trio's rivalry, too.

Since the first time the brunette met Jere, she's been trying to act even more natural. Carmen thinks it's working because the guy doesn't mention it again.

(He knows, anyway, because the Dutch girl is really not as secretive as she thinks she is.)

(He also knows she'll beat herself up for failing the play pretend. He's just saving her from worry and anxiety. He keeps it to himself.)

Time passes in a blink of an eye when you're in a whirlpool of interviews and podcasts and whatnot, and suddenly Carmen is feeling much more excitement than she felt in the past couple of months.