Found (Book 2)

Chapter 28

Jessie's POV

I don't sleep a bit. I lay awake thinking about how he never even loved me. He didn't care. Looks can be so deceiving and so can words. He's just another person who has fucked up my life. I hate this so much. My chest feels so tight, I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

The only thing keeping me somewhat calm is listening to Christina's breathing and Amy and Kath's light snores. I keep reminding myself I'm not alone. But somehow I feel completely alone. Everyone always hurts me.

"You're awake?" I hear and roll over to face Christina.

"Yeah," I say and let out a yawn. I didn't get a single minute of sleep last night.

"How did you sleep?" another voice asks, Katherine.

"Alright," I simply state even though it's not true. I don't want to worry them. They let me go with that but I have a feeling they don't completely buy it. I don't care. I hear Amy wake up and Christina gets out of bed. The 3 of them are about to go downstairs and pause at the door asking me if I'm coming for breakfast. I shake my head, I'm not hungry.

Hours pass and I also deny lunch. I don't need to eat. I don't need anything. I just lay in Christina's bed, sometimes just thinking and other times on my phone.

I start writing a tweet with my sisters' lyrics "is there any way i'll ever be good enough?" but I discard it. Everyone will flip out and my phone will really blow up with people asking me if I'm okay. No. I'm not okay. And I don't need people asking that because I'm not in the mood to talk.

I get up for the first time when I have no choice but to go to the bathroom. After I wash my hands, I stare at myself in the mirror. I have dark circles under my eyes and I look so hollow. It's like I'm not even here. It doesn't feel like I am either. I could just disappear and no one would know the difference...

Someone knocks on the bathroom door and I open it. Lauren looks at me then looks down. I leave the bathroom, letting her use it. I can see how much she's hurting and how bad she feels. I know her. But all I feel is a mix of hatred and numbness. I have no strength to talk to her.

I snuggle back under the covers of Christina's bed. I could go back to my own but that might mean running into Lauren again and that's not in my interest.

I hear people around the house laughing and having fun. I can hear the younger boys doing who knows what in their room. I can hear Dani, Amy and Lisa leave to go to the mall again. I hear Lauren and Christina say that they're going out for a walk. It's funny how much you can hear when you're doing nothing. It is a good distraction from my thoughts.

I hear the door open and shut and I'm facing the wall and pretend to be asleep.

"I made you cookies," Kath says and I feel the bed shift as she sits down on it. I don't move or say a word, I just hope she goes away. I want to be left alone. I don't deserve anyone anyways.

"Jessie we both know you're awake and hearing me. Please talk to me or at least turn over and look at me," Katherine asks me and I mentally debate it. If I turn over, she'll look at me with sad eyes and feel bad for me. On the other hand, if I don't acknowledge her I won't have to talk.

I do nothing. She sits there for awhile before sighing and leaving the room. Later on I know she told the others because I hear someone else come in.

"I know it's hard but you can't shut us out," Dani says and I know she's trying. But I can't. She eventually gives up and so does Amy after trying. Lisa comes up and rubs my back for awhile which feels nice but I don't let myself acknowledge her either.

Nighttime comes and I still lay here, why bother doing anything? Kath and Amy get into their beds and Christina now tries to get me to talk.

"Jess please talk to me," she pleads but I say nothing, "At least move over so I can get in my bed." I move closer to the wall and I hear her get in. She tries to hug me but I tense up and move as close as possible to the wall. I hear her sigh just like Kath did this morning. They all exchange goodnights but I don't participate.

I stare at the wall for another sleepless night, wondering why I don't feel a thing.