you are a memory | hyunlix

5. those eyes

ACCEPTANCE
"cause all of the small things that you do, are what remind why i fell for you. and when we're apart, and im missing you, i close my eyes, and all i see is you. and all the small things you do." new west

— 🌱 —

hyunjin,

i have spent the past couple of months sitting in my bed. contemplating what to do with my life. jisung has been comforting me, he even stayed at our house the whole time. i appreciated him. and i would love to think that you would have thanked him.

hyunjin, i know you're... dead. i think i have started to accept it, i like to think. i like to think that this will be better for the both of us.

i know you would want me to, you always wanted me to do anything for myself. you always loved seeing me being myself.

i loved every minute i spent with you, though it may not have looked like it. i loved the way you would push yourself onto me, you never gave up on trying to get my attention and i loved that.

i loved the way you would hymn as you painting, you looked so gorgeous while painting. i loved how you would send me pictures of any art you made and asked me how i liked it. i would always tell you that they were perfect, because, truly, they were.

i loved the way you would be so happy to show me new music you found. and i loved the way that when you found a song you like you would listen to it on repeat.

i loved the way you would always do your hair, and get dressed, even if we were just going to sit on our couch the whole day.

i loved the way you would offer me your sweaters when i was cold. and if you didn't have a sweater, you would offer to hold my hands. or hold me in your arms.

i loved all the little things you did, like how you would always throw your head back as you laughed. and how you would always clap your hands as you laughed. and how you would close your eyes when you smiled. or how you squint your eyes whenever you eat.

i love how dramatic you were. remember that one time? when i was hiding in our closet to jump-scare you? but i failed, miserably, because i fell... before you even got into the room? but when you walked in you pretended like it was the scariest thing you had seen in your whole life. i loved it.

i remember that for a whole summer you would carry around a disposable camera. i thought that it was because you wanted to take pictures of nature. but it was because you would take pictures of me. and when you had them printed out, you sat at our bed and smiled at them. for hours. you framed your favorite one, when i was kissing you on your cheek. i hope you know i will never take that away from its spot on our night stand.

i hope you know that whenever i close my eyes, all i will see is you.

hyunjin, i am starting to accept that i will never see you again, or touch you again. but i hope you know, i will never forget you. you were the first love of my life, and that won't ever change.