Leigh's vent poems/notes

Quiet.. (my longest poem)

The world is quiet as I can only hear the voices. No one else can hear them. Death opens its hands for me once again. Though I am scared about what would happen. This pain hurts. I want it to end. It's supposed to be healthy but it's not at the same time. The feeling of love is great. But it also hurts. I'm on this constant loop of emotions. I am still trying to figure myself out. Who Leigh used to be. Who I am now. Change is hard to accept. You don't know that the future will hold. That's why you are scared. That's why I'm scared. But I am also very glad that I am not the person I used to be. But those feelings I would never forget. The feeling of freedom to be happy. Now that I am free I feel empty like I am nothing. I am nothing unless I'm with people. I get so bored of myself that I tend to forget who I am. I am Leigh but what is so important about me? My problems? My future? My life? All of it is just boring. "Why not just end it?" As one of them always says. Despair is what I always will feel. Despair is forever and hope is permanent. That's how my life is. Despair is the only thing that I mainly feel. I want to feel hope. I want to be that hope that I used to be. He broke me. I will forgive but never forget the way that I was treated. Be that hope for someone when they really need it. Hope is something that I feel but it's not forever. I will make it forever. For you and me. The time has come for me to make things right. This is a new chapter of my life. You and me? That's not even real anymore. I am now doing this on my own. Not for you but for me. That makes it even better. The world still feels quiet as I can only hear my breathing. This restless night while I'm with others. I still feel empty as I am trying to be happy. Why do I feel this way? Is it because I want to feel this way? Maybe, the despair it brings the more hope it gives. Soon I'll be happy and fixed but do I really want that? No I don't instead of depending on others I should learn how to love myself. But I love you even if it's romantic or platonic you make me happy. I still don't know what I want but this despair will finally end in the future. As the world is still quiet as a make the people suffer around me. As the blood drips down my face from my bloody nose I look at myself in the mirror. Despair is all I will ever feel. Sure there might be some hope but underneath all of that is just despair. I am broken and I accepted that. Everything is quiet but why? As I am at my lowest I feel empty and confused. As I write this down I just feel nothing anymore. Why should I still be writing this? Because death opens its hands for me? What do I get out of this? Empathy? No I don't want that. I just need to clear my head. My head has always been quiet ever sense. But loud at the same time. "Move on", "Kill yourself", "You are so annoying", "You will always feel despair". It's all in my head. Make it stop. I want to feel hope not despair. I want it. I NEED IT. End this pain. End it, is all I ask. But I don't want it to end at the same time. What is wrong with me? "What happened?" Just leave. I'm done with everything and everyone that's how done I am. The world should always be quiet. I should always feel despair. No more "I NEED HOPE" I will never be that person I force myself to be. I'm just a no one. Pathetic, Useless person who can't fix themselves. I'm broken and I already accepted that. I'm fine, I'm fine. I just feel like crying you know? The future is up ahead and I can't get to it I can't even think of it. Just be hopeful even if you feel like shit. I don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore. Death still has its hands open for me. Do I take the future or Death? Everything hurts even when I'm almost done healing. What's stopping me? I don't care about hope nor despair anymore. I'm not broken. I'm not complete either. I'm just me. I won't forget of what he has done but. It's the past. The past it what makes you a person. I broke myself it wasn't him. I forced myself to stay. And this is what I get for it. It's been 8 months and I still haven't got my shit together. The world is still quiet to me. The voices have calmed down. I feel free from them. But what should I do now? What do I get from this? A happy ending? This is not the ending though. It's the beginning of a new chapter. I just feel empty. Like nothing is there. As the world is quiet as I only hear my crying. I just feel worse. I'm healed but at what cost? What do I do now? I don't feel anything. I feel nothing. Life will get better I'm just overreacting. I'm all fine now. Sure there are ups and downs but this will be normal until I am finally complete. It won't be long until I'm happy again. I'm losing it. I am, I don't feel anything really. Time will tell itself but what do I do now? Time is just a waste to think about. The world is quiet again as the voices get louder. Why am I like this? "You just want something wrong with you." I do. Because I try to figure out myself before this gets worse. I want my voice to be heard. I was born like this. I WANT TO BE HEARD...