Things that happen in the dark

My finger tapped rapidly on the wooden chair in the doctor’s waiting room. My mother sat beside me and gave me a comforting squeeze. I smiled at her but still couldn’t help the worry in my eyes. I knew from her gaze that she was thinking the same thing.
“Miss Venter?” The receptionist called. “The doctor is ready to see you now.”
With a shaky exhale I stood up and headed to my doom.

Three years later.

I stared blankly at the pills in my hand. I was already dreading the side effects. But today was Friday and I had to drink them like any other weekend. I was still recovering from last week but there weren’t any excuses.
I throw my head back and gulp down the pills. my own special kind of poison. I look into the reflection of the mirror in front of me. It's not a pretty sight and I wince. My eyebags have darkened even more and I am more pale than yesterday. Not to mention my sweat-covered hair. Without another glance, I leave the bathroom. I drag my feet across the carpet floor and fall face-first into the bed. My muscles scream for rest but I know I won’t get enough. It is on days like these that I would gladly welcome death. The days when I throw up first thing in the morning. The days when I'm always in pain. The days when I wish I had never found out I was sick.
I climb in bed and wrap myself tightly with blankets but it won't keep out the cold I feel. It won't fill the emptiness in my heart.

"Sweetie"
I stir around but don't open my eyes.
"Sweetie, it's time to get up."
Already I feel the nausea coming as I open my eyes. The morning sun and my mother's face is the first thing I see.
She hands me my crackers and water. It is a routine drilled into our heads.
"How did you sleep ?"
After consuming both I answer.
"I slept okay."
A lie and she knows it too.
"Well you better get dressed, it's almost time to see the doctor."
Guilt begins to consume me as she begins gathering my clothes. She feels as bad as me yet still finds the strength to look after me.

“Have you been taking your methotrexate as prescribed?”
“Yes,”  I say although I thought it would be clear from the exam.
"Well, your blood tests seem normal."
My mother sighed in relief. But we both knew the blood tests almost always looked normal. People with Lupus usually only get diagnosed after six years.
"However after looking at your urine results, I would like to do some tests."
My mother's hand tightened around mine. The urine tests are usually where the problem comes in because it can be a sign that the Lupus is affecting your kidneys.
"What type of tests?"
I didn't need to hear the rest to know I was going to the hospital.

"I want to take you to church tomorrow."
That was the first thing my mother said to me since we began driving. I knew she was worried by the way her hands tightened around the steering wheel.
"Church? What for?"
We weren't the best Christians.
"I want them to pray for you."
I sigh but nod nonetheless. We never went to church before and I don't know why my mother decided to start now.

When we were home I told my best friend the news and of course, she told me that everything was going to be okay. She was always the optimistic type.
I told myself the same thing but I didn't believe it. Not really.
So the next day the minister prayed for me. Everyone in the church came to give their prayers. But it was the one woman whose words caught my attention.
"Just have faith and the lord will do the rest."
All I could do was blink at her. Such a simple sentence and yet I've heard those words a thousand times somehow it sounded like she actually believed it.
And the rest of the week I couldn't get those words out of my head. So for the first time in months, I began to pray.
The day of the appointment came and soon I was in a gown and in the theatre. I took a steadying breath. Operations always made me nervous. Maybe it was because my mother always had them when I was a kid. I always feared that she would not make it back to me. I kept saying those words the old woman said to me, to myself all through the operation and before I knew it I began believing it.

The tests came back the following day; surprisingly, my kidneys were fine. Some would say I was lucky but to me, it was a gift from God. A true miracle.