A Nameless Song: Remembrance

How To Save A Life

I hated this place. I hated coming here, I know that this place was supposed to help people, to help them get better but I couldn't help myself feeling like this. It's just that every time I've ever been here it just seems like something horrible had to happen, first it was with him passing out on the roof after he tried to take his life. That was the first time I'd ever been in a place like this before, and it already left a negative imprint of this place in my mind, but it only got worse as then I had the miscarriage. It still hurts me to think about it even now, and I couldn't ever forget how I felt that moment when they told me that I would never be able to have any children that alone just made me see this place as bad luck, and that thought never left my mind especially felt even worse now, since the only thing that kept me going and stood by me through all of this, my guiding light, was currently lying in his deathbed. Never in my life would I ever have thought that something like this would've ever happened to me, and yet here I am waiting anxiously outside of the ER, watching as both Doctors and Nurses enter and left the room, not even sparing me a passing glance. I hated this, I hate not knowing what was going on, I hated that I didn't have any clue of what was going on and I hated that I couldn't see him at all. They wouldn't let me see him telling me that, 'I would be a hindrance', or 'Only Close Family Members'.

So I was forced to sit there and wait as my mind plagued me with horrible thoughts and possibilities of what was happening in that very room. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice his mother had just arrived, although her mind was too focused on him that she didn't even notice me. Though at that moment I was glad that she didn't see me, I don't know how I could honestly face her, and I was afraid of how they would honestly react to me being in there. I wasn't really family despite everything as I could tell how they looked at me once I told them what I really was, they still accepted me and everything but I couldn't help but see some sort of fear in their eyes. I heard the door open again and looking at it, I could see that a doctor was standing rubbing his eyes in exhaustion as he was in there for quite some time, sighing he looked over at me, his eyes showed pity as he spoke to me, "He's stable, right now and is currently awake at the moment but", and (Y/n)'s mother stood up from her seat, and started to ask the doctor what exactly was wrong with him. I watched as her heart dropped as the next thing he said broke her, "He has a brain tumor, and quite a large one too.", I felt empty when he said that, and I remained silent trying to process all of this as I watched as his mother collapsed into her husband arms, as began to weep, saying, "No, no, not again, not him too, please.".

Earlier this very year, she had lost her younger brother due to a brain tumor and passed away soon after discovering it. I had no idea how she was feeling at that moment as I never could truly understand how it feels to lose something like a sibling and a child to the very same disease. "C-can we see him?", she asked the doctor who just grimly nodded and opened the door letting them into the room, and I watched them walk inside and disappear into the room, leaving me there all alone. Something that I wanted at that moment as I didn't feel like I belonged here, that I really wasn't one of them, and that they probably didn't want to see me, or have anything to do with me in that moment. I felt empty and hollow at that moment, believing that they would've blamed me for all of this as since I've entered his life I've brought nothing but pain to their lives and put him through so much suffering. I didn't want to bother them while they were having their moment in there as right now I felt like I was some sort of burden to this family, and in that moment I did something that I regret...I ran.

I was too scared to see him, and I didn't know how to deal with all of this, and in this state, I ended up running into his brother, Nick, who looked really confused and worried, "Mumei?", he asked as I look up at him, "W-what are you doing?", he asks but I never gave him an answer as I pushed him away and continued running. "Hey Wait!", he shouted at me but I didn't stop running and I didn't look back either, I just kept going, I was just too afraid to face reality at that point to face him. I was just too scared to lose the one thing that kept me sane through all of this, the only thing that honestly made me feel like I was one of them like I was human. I didn't want to lose him too, I couldn't he was everything to me and I loved him too much to deal with this. So I hid, I hid in the one place where I felt like no one would ever find me...the council room...my home. I ran into the endless halls of books and shelves not wanting to be found, and I just kept running deeper and deeper into the library of endless knowledge before tripping and my face colliding with the ground below me. It hurt like hell, but I didn't care I just curled up into a ball and screamed as finally, it all hit me right there. Everything I held inside of me, everything I truly felt all came rushing to me as laid there, mourning at the thought that I was going to lose my everything.