Irhaboggle Pride (2023) I Saw the Signs and Symbols

In the Closet

Erf nestled deeper into the closet, a book in their hands and a light above their head. They had a bedroom, yes, but their mother, Inheritance, would think to look for them there. The closet was much more secretive and secure, and Erf liked that. Erf liked the privacy and protection. They could be and do whatever they wanted without fear of retribution. Plus, it made Erf feel just a little bit closer to being a mystery. It was their personal little office hidden in the very walls of their own home!

There was something exciting about the uncertainty, figuring things out one by one, watching pieces fall into place and looking back in retrospect to see how the beautiful design fit so seamlessly together from the very first clue, the very first crime. There was definitely a trend going on for the young Swift, for it wasn't just their motivation to stay in the closet that reflected their fascination with the unknown and undiscovered. The very book in their hands was... not quite here, and not quite there. It was a story, there were words written on the page, but about half of them were Erf's own annotations. In that way, it was a rather nontraditional book, more of a conversation than anything else.

A nontraditional book for a nontraditional me, Erf thought with a dry smile. This book, in particular, was about a character that was addressed only by their name for the entire story, and because of their design, one could argue that they were a boy, and one could argue that they were a girl. Erf liked that as well. Just as gender was a blurry haze that they were somewhere in the middle of, indecipherable, so too were mysteries a never-ending, unwinding narrative of feelings and clues to sort through. That was why they annotated the book so heavily.

It was far from the only book they ever annotated, however. Everything Erf read, everything Erf interacted with, they simply had to have a conversation in their head with the author. As was tradition in the Swift family, every name was chosen from the dictionary, meant to be indicative of the person. Erf, however, had not liked the first name picked out for them.

It is a perfectly fine word, but it is certainly not me! They argued with the text, thinking and reading, and then at last, they selected the word "Erf", circling, underlining, and highlighting it. It was an old word for a plot of land, which intrigued them because, if the land was interpreted as symbolic, it could be seen as a space to grow. More mysteries to uncover, more self-discoveries to reflect upon. That was another thing Erf enjoyed.
Words, ultimately, came from humans, therefore, the meanings we gave to them are finite. They are flawed and changeable. We can create our own stories, our own destinies. "Erf" fit better than their first name did. "They/them" fit better than "he" or "she". Sometimes, people looked at the word "people" and assigned a very rigid definition to it. As soon as they met a human outside of their definition, they became confused, maybe even hostile. But why? Erf thought. When the definition of "human" doesn't have to be so rigid. Why not let it expand? Why not let it grow?

It was a conversation they wished they could have with their mother, but as her name—Inheritance—implied, history and tradition were of the utmost importance to her. No child of hers was going to reject their name and their gender. It simply wasn't done! But what was life for if not for living? And what was living if not experimenting and exploring? While Inheritance believed in the dictionary, Erf believed in the author.

Change is the only thing that doesn't. What we are when we receive our names is not necessarily who we will be in the future. It's way more fluid than that, so why not adopt a name and lifestyle equally adaptable? Why confine myself to one thing when I could have it all?

And time wasn't the only thing that could change meaning. Meaning changed as soon as the person decided it did. After all, Erf knew that closets were sometimes symbols of misery and imprisonment. It was where people that didn't fit in with the rest of society when to hide.

But even THAT can change... To Erf, the closet was a symbol of safety and freedom. They could do and be whatever they wanted without fear. Why would anyone ever want to leave the closet if that was what that closet symbolized? The world could be a loud, scary, chaotic place sometimes, and as fun as the drama could be on occasion, Erf saw no reason why people were always so eager to engage with one another.

There was much more peace and pleasure in isolation, and Erf always found greater company in animals than humans. They'd been told that they were rather blunt with most people, but the way Erf saw it, if people were open to trying to understand, then there was no point in beating around the bush. To be honest and straightforward, "blunt", made the most logical sense from a communicative standpoint, at least in their mind.

I say what I mean, and I mean what I say, because meanings and sayings can be oh-so ever-changing! Being alone, or only being around a few people, was a lot more manageable, and the risk of overstimulation was a lot lower. Also, Erf thought with a smile, I learn better when I'm alone. It's a lot easier to focus and absorb material when I don't have to worry about how I'm coming across to other people.

They sighed happily as the reclined in their little closet. It was cozy!

And the book Erf was reading wasn't just a story about a gender-ambiguous protagonist with a gender-ambiguous name. The character also happened to have a pet songbird, and because one of Erf's current objects of interest was puffins, they couldn't help but conjure up a story about a nonbinary puffin soaring over an icy, misty, salty sea, singing shanties as it solved marine mysteries. A silly idea, yes, but the story with the gender-ambiguous protagonist wasn't the only thing that influenced their thinking. Just a day before, Erf was back in the closet, only that time, they had a book about penguins and puffins.

"Oh, where on Earth did that little troublemaker run off to this time?"

Erf winced when they heard their mother calling out for them. They barely even dared to breathe as she walked by, and they were able to turn the closet light off the split second before she rounded the corner. Exactly as expected, she made a beeline for Erf's bedroom, completely ignoring the closet Erf was hiding in just feet away. Erf listened to their mother continue to shout for them, but when there was no answer anywhere from the upstairs, they heard her shut their bedroom door again with a frustrated sigh.

As she stalked away, Erf could hear her muttering to herself under her breath. Had she forgotten about a playdate with one of Erf's cousins? Or had Erf gone running off without her permission? Erf chuckled privately to themself.

I didn't technically go running off anywhere, I'm still right here.

It wasn't until they heard Inheritance's heels clacking against the downstairs hardwood floor that Erf turned the closet light on again. It was time to leave this dull, droll, dreary life behind and travel to a world of magic, myth, and mystery, and the closet was Erf's portal to the other side!

AN: Another one for Penguin, this is based on "The Swifts: A Dictionary of Scoundrels" by Beth Lincoln. Of course Penguin loved it because Erf is a nonbinary detective (both of which are things Penguin loves).