𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤﹒𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐭𝐭

worthless

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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───────────────────   ╮ 𓂃  .  nathan quickly got dressed, as if he was in a rush or something. he kissed my forehead, "ill see you later." he said sounding eager to leave before he dashed out of the door, oh.

i knew it was stupid of me to get upset over this, but we just had sex for fuck sake, he didnt ask me if i was okay, or take care of me, like aftercare. i let out a breathless sigh, trying to hold back my tears. i was lucky nathan had was rich, and had a bathroom rather than me feeling all icky walking back to the girls dormitories.

i hated what just happend, i knew i was being stupid. but he just left me so easily, like what we just did was nothing to him, i shook my thoughts off turning the shower on. waiting for the water to warm up. i got inside, running a hand through my hair.

the shower was hot, hot enough to burn my skin if i stayed in long enough. sometimes i didnt realise just by showering with boiling hot water was harming myself, but it felt right.

i ran a hand through my wet hair, washing it with shampoo and conditioner, following it along with washing my body, i stood there for a few seconds just thinking, per usual.

minutes after i turned the water off, rubbing my burning shoulders as i got out. looking into the steamy mirror. a mess once again, what happend to me i wonder, i used to try so hard.

i wrapped a towel around my waist, leaving the bathroom, i forgot to bring spare clothes. nathan usually let me wear his, but was eager about getting them back, so he wouldnt mind this once right, i took out a hoodie, and plain black joggers, slipping on some shoes before leaving the dorm.

i felt so icky and worthless right now, nathan was really my only true 'friend' i never really made any others, but walking across the dormitory field was refreshing, it wasnt to windy, or to sunny, just normal. people sat against the trees reading or just talking.

sometimes i wish i had true friends, i had dana, juliet kinda too. but we didnt have a special bond. sometimes i wish i was friends with kate, or max. the nice quiet ones. who didnt put out.

i reached my dorm, wiping off a random smiley face on the whiteboard next to my door, and drawing a random flower. i smiled stupidly before entering my dorm. my phone dinged.

i looked down, pulling it from my pocket, seeing nathan posted something on instagram?

🎶  • ⌢⌢ ✦ nathan has posted .  .  .

i shut my phone off in sadness, how nice. nathan had just ditched me to hang with victoria. i held my tears in, i always got raised being told not too be sensitive. or not too cry, not to show weakness. i took a breather. turning my phone back on as i looked at the post once again, before leaving a like on the post.

i was furious, at the same time i just wanted to cry it all out, i felt useless, and not needed. everytime i got upset id starve myself until i felt like i deserved too eat again, it was a habit of mine, i felt myself falling back into that habit once again.

looking at my reflection in the mirror made me feel sick. i was so ugly, made me confused how nathan even had sex with me. i hate feeling like this.

i gulped, i had to do it. i knew i shouldnt fall back into that habit, but looking at myself made me know i didnt deserve to eat until i felt beautiful, or like i deserved it.

i checked the time, reading 6:40pm, i knew it was early. but i was gonna sleep my feelings off. i got under my covers, shutting my curtains as i luckily drifted off almost straight away.

                      5:42AM

i woke up checking the time again, i slept for 11 hours? jesus.. maybe i needed that, i felt my phone vibrate on my drawer, it was unusual for nathan to be awake.

"come ovr pls" i put my pho n down, rolling back into my bed. i didnt wanna deal with this right now, i was to tired to realise he would be able to see that i read the message and didnt reply.

about twenty minutes after i did that, i stayed staring at my ceiling before a hard knock frightened the shit out of me. i got up rubbing my eyes.

as i opened the door my eyes met with the furious face of nathan, i gulped.

"you wanna say why you're ignoring me huh?" he pushed me against the wall gripping my neck tightly as tears formed in my eyes. "i—i didnt realise im sorry— i swear." my lower lip trembled as the flashbacks of my home life came running back, i saw nathan's face turn from furious to regretful. as he took his hand off of my neck and pulled me onto his lap. "im so sorry. im just annoyed." he rubbed a hand up and down my back. i took a deep breath.

"its.. its okay." i softly spoke back, do i confront him about the victoria thing when hes not mad? i dont know.

"let me take you out for dinner, tomorrow. 7PM sharp." he muttered in my ear. i gulped. "i have stuff to do, sorry nate." he looking at me with a confused expression. "likewise?" he questioned, i didnt wanna go because i wasnt eating. but i couldnt tell him that. "homework, lots to catch up on."

i blankly lied to my own boyfriends face, fuck i was such a sick person.

"whatever you say." i felt a trip of guilt run down my spine as he said that, lifting me from his lap and laying me back down. "catch up with you tomorrow." and he just left.

i held my tears back, he left again—i knew nathan wasnt a cuddler. but him sleeping with me was nice, i guess hes starting to hate that too. i wish he loved me like he did before.

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐒 !
ugh i lowkey hate this but i was in a rush so i hope you still enjoyed 🙁
also if youd like to follow my edit acc that'd be appreciated — @arcadiastorms <3