Scary stories to tell

The Baby Shark Killer

Baby shark
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Momma shark
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Daddy shark
Doo doo doo doo
Let's go play."
"Phil..."
"I can't get
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
This dumb song
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Out of my
Doo doo doo doo
Stupid head."
"Aargh!!! Phil, please stop, please! You're doin' my head in."
"I can't stop
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
From the top
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Till I drop
Doo doo doo doo
I can't stop."
"Keep this up sweetheart and I swear I will do something that you'll regret."
"Please don't leave
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
I know you're peaved
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
And bereaved
Doo doo doo doo
Please don't leave.
"You're as annoying as anything, Phil! You sound like a broken record of an idiot repeating nothing but nonsense."
"I need help
Doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"I agree
Doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"Call someone"
Doo doo doo doo."
"Phil, I'm coming undone. Oh, now I'm singing it. Phil, this is like a nightmare that I can't wake up from."
"I know you're pissed
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
And feeling trist
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Is that your fist?
Doo doo doo doo... Phwar!"
"Now look what you made me do. I'm so sorry Phil. Did I hurt you? It's just ice water that had a few big ice cubes in it. Here, I'll fetch a tea towel. Come sit on the couch."
"I'm okay. Just a bit cold. I think one of the ice cubes might have scratched my right eye."
"In the words of Guy Fawkes, Desperate times call for... well, you know... At least, you've stopped that incessant rambling."
"I think you'll find that he said, The desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy."
"Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. History Buff. Shame you're not as astute when it comes to knowing when to shut up."
"I can't explain it, Kath. It's an uncontrollable compulsion."
"It's called an Earworm, my love. A musical cognitive itch. You remember them, don't you? It's caused by a trigger of something being incessantly repeated - like that time on the Small World ride at Disneyland, remember?"
"It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small."
"Phil, I didn't mean for you to remember it out loud."
"What's that, hun?"
"You're doing it again."
"Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm."
"STOP!"
"Sorry."
"You know, if you wrote all of this into one of those short stories you submit every week to Reedsy.com, this would be the part of the story where you would lose your readers' interest. Driven to the limits of reasonable tolerance, they would just tune out, then go and read someone else's story - that might end up actually winning for once. And that would be a shame, Phil, because you write some good stories."
"I do? Thanks, hun."
"Plus, they'd miss reading the part at the end, where I kill you for driving me mad."
"You're going to kill me?"
"I will - if you continue your idiotic obsession with singing annoying songs."
"Kath, I'm not sure if that's a joke or not."
"Keep annoying me and we'll find out, okay?"
"It's the grandkids' fault."
"I'm sorry, who are you trying to put the blame on?"
"This cartoon came on the TV about a family of sharks when I was babysitting the little ones this afternoon. You were out at your coven group get-together."
"You mean my Ladies of Charity group?"
"Yes, my pretty."
"Don't start."
"Well, every time I hear the vicar's wife's laugh, it reminds me of that typical witch cackle, like something straight out of Macbeth."
"When have you read Macbeth? I thought you only read Batman comics."
"Double double toil and trouble,
Eye of newt and toe of frog."
"Ok, enough. You win. She does sound a bit like that. I think it's some form of a tic that affects her vocal chords. A bit like you repeating annoying songs over and over and over and over again."
"I'll be working my way back to you, babe
With a burning love inside
Yeah, I'll be working my way..."
"SEE? You're doing it again."
"It's Frankie Valli."
"It's irritating."
"I can't help it. It's like I need to let it out. Otherwise, it will stay in my head."
"So, it's okay to pass it into my head and the heads of everyone else that might be in earshot, is it? It's annoying."
"I know."
"So, stop."
"I know."
"It's driving me insane."
"I know."
"What!?"
"I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."
"YOU AIN'T NO SUNSHINE, ANYMORE, PHIL! And I'm issuing you a warning right now that when She is gone, this house won't be no home, coz I'll be gone too long for you to fix us. How's those lyrics in your convoluted Bill Witherings?"
"I see what you did there. Very clever."
"Did you? Did you, Phil? Because I'm this close to walking out that front door. Erm, Phil, why is our front door wide open?"
"I took the trash out earlier, like the good hubby I am."
"Where's Baxter?"
"He needed a wee, so he followed me outside."
"Did he come back with you?"
"Didn't notice. I had another episodic tune in my head occupying my thoughts."
"Phil, we have no fence in our front yard. Now, I'll have to chase him all the way down to the park. I've warned you before about letting the dog out on his own, haven't I. You make me so mad!"
"Who who who
Who let the dog out
Who who who
Who let the... Umph...! Kathy, why is there a kitchen knife sticking out of my chest?"
"Let me explain in a way only you will understand, Phil.
You're as cold as ice,
You're willing to sacrifice our love
You never take advice
Someday you'll pay the price, I know... You getting me, Phil?"
"I do, Kath. And may I say, that using song lyrics from the band, Foreigner, is a very clever way to get your point across."
"It's a perfect demonstration of a catchy tune, Phil, with catchy lyrics, Phil. Something you'll never ever learn in a month of Sundays, Phil."
"Don Henley."
"Don't even go there."
"I think I have more pressing issues than the Boys of Summer, don't you, Kath?"
"Like what?"
"Like this knife in my chest, for one, Kath."
"Don't worry, it's off to the right of your heart. You'll survive."
"So, why so much blood, then?"
"You're wearing a white shirt. It makes it look more dramatic than it really is."
"It hurts."
"Ooh ooh, love hurts. Stop your whining, Phil."
"That's Nazareth."
"Yes, do let me know if you start seeing Jesus of, won't you - and I'll book you an Easter vacation. Until then,
Take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain."
"Now, you're using Nazareth lyrics to mock me."
"Again, a demonstration of the right way to use song lyrics in real life."
"Kath, I'm beginning to feel a bit emotional and a bit woozy."
"That will be the realisation of the multitudes of distress you've caused me over the years, yes?"
"No, I'm woozy because there's a knife sticking out of my CHEST, KATH!"
"Then, try not to move, darling. You might tear something."
"I can't believe what you've just done. How many years have we been together, thirty?"
"Thirty-two, Phil."
"Is it that long?"
"Yep, continue with that stupidity, if you don't want to make it to thirty-three years together."
"My point is that in all of this time, I never realised how much you despised me."
"I don't despise you, sweetheart. I love you."
"This doesn't feel like love, Kath. It feels like psychopath, Kath."
"Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa,
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa."
"What are you doing?"
"It's Talking Heads, Psycho Killer."
"How did I not see you were like this?"
"Because Phil. You were too busy relentlessly repeating things to see WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO ME!"
"So, this is my fault?"
"You took away my limelight."
"What limelight? You've always been only a wife, a housewife, a mother, and a grandmother. You've never put yourself out there to claim any limelight. OW! Why did you just twist the knife?"
"Maybe because I'm only a psychopath, Phil. And I have ventured beyond these four walls into the real world. What about the time I worked as a charity fund organiser, remember?"
"Organising a church jumble sale does not make you a charity fund organiser, Kath. It makes you a jumble sale organiser. OW! Stop twisting the knife!"
"You ruined many chances of career advancement for me, haven't you."
"If you're referring to the incident at the fete, that wasn't a job, so had no job prospects. It wasn't a paid position, OW!"
"One more turn of this knife and we may as well call it an apple corer. I might have to put a cork in the hole, just to stop the flow of blood."
"Okay, okay. It might have been a job. But I have no idea how I ruined that one."
"You ruined it because of you shouting out, Another one bites the dust, after the vicar's mother tripped over the box of empty used plastic ketchup bottles you had carelessly left on the floor."
"I got distracted by the stage piano."
"The poor woman knocked her false teeth out on the edge of a table, as she crumbled to the ground. But did you help? No. Seeing her trying to get up, you proceeded to stomp around the church hall stage like you were Freddie Mercury repeating over again, And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust! The vicar had to get the church organist to pull you off the stage."
"Yes, I remember. That was a cruel twist, because I thought she was coming up to accompany me on the piano. Instead, she dragged me off by my ear before I could finish the song."
"You're missing the point."
"What is the point, Kath? Is it my predilection to annoying tunes or is it that you're a husband-stabbing, knife twisting psycho?"
"The point is that you are ANNOYING! I freely admit that I have narcissistic tendencies. Who doesn't?"
"I don't, OW! Stop that! I thought you were happy in our relationship."
"Living with a clown means the jokes are all one way. For once, I'd like to be the fool."
"Why are you smiling like that, Kath? That contemptuous sneer and weird laugh unnerves me. It sounds icy cold and mocking in its intonation."
"Hark, the writer in the house bizarrely thinks he's talking at a book reading. I must be a saint to have tolerated your flights of fancy all these years."
"Kath, I may be out there in left field saying this, and please correct me if I'm wrong sweetheart, but I don't think you get any more bizarre than stabbing your husband in the chest with a STEAK KNIFE, then TWISTING IT WHEN HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU!"
"Live with it. God knows, I've had to."
"Maybe counselling would help us. What do you say? How about you get me some medical assistance before I bleed out and we'll talk to the resident marriage counsellor while we're at the hospital, ok? I'll just tell them I walked into a spinning sharp object, yes? No-one the wiser."
"You forget what happened twenty years ago, don't you. We tried counselling back then, but you couldn't get the therapist's name out of your habitual personality's head. He was the one who first told us about Earworm syndrome, remember?"
"I don't... When was this?"
"You remember Joe, don't you?"
"Joe?"
"Where did you come from,
Where did you go,
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe."
"Oh, yes. I remember now. It was.."
"..another embarrassing Phil moment. After staring at you with mouth open and a look of dumfounded disbelief on his face - saying nothing, he eventually reclaimed his wits and told us that he would set up regular sessions for us."
"I tried calling him the next day, but couldn't get a hold of him."
"Because - I found out later - he changed his phone number and moved offices. Apparently, you mentioning his eye brought up dormant school bullying memories he thought he had suppressed."
"Well, it was that milky white part of his left eye. It was brighter than the other one."
"Yeah, I saw that too, Phil. But I didn't dance around like a country hick, playing an air banjo while imitating its sound."
"I couldn't stop myself. Anyway, he was a therapist. So, he should have known how to deal with me."
"He tried, but he was just a junior counsellor who expertly suggested - as he said his one and only goodbye to us - that you needed to be committed to a facility for mental assessment."
"You're right. He was underqualified. He didn't really know me."
"You didn't give him enough time to - while singing the theme tune to the movie, Deliverance and squealing like a pig for over fifteen minutes - non-stop."
"Yeah, but what about my guitar impression? That was really good, wasn't it?"
"Why do you always have to be centre stage, while I take a backseat to your eccentric behaviour?"
"OW! Okay, I think it's time to call an ambulance. My right arm has gone limp."
"That will be the shock setting in."
"Look, Kath. Can we talk about this situation in a calm and concise way before I pass out?"
"Oh, now you wanna,
Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it,
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo,
Gotta move on doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"Is that Funky Town?"
"It is, and like the song,
I've gotta make a move to a town that's right for me,
A town to keep me movin, keep me grooving with some energy."
"I'm feeling faint now, Kath."
"Momma shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"Kath, where are you? The room's gone dark."
"Baxter's back, doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"Call an ambulance, please."
"Emergency no, doo doo doo doo doo doo.
"Kath, please!"
"Remember what I told you about what your readers would have missed at the end of your doo doo doo story, if they had quit early?"
"But I'm not dead."
"Yet... That Monty Python joke is old and according to this claw hammer I curiously found in the junk drawer...
Yes, you ARE!
doo doo doo doo doo doo - ooh, now, that's what I call a lot of blood. Head wounds always pump it out like a fountain, don't they. One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to wash that out of your white shirt. Not that you'll be needing it anymore. Come on, Baxter.
Who wants a treat doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Can you sit doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
what a good boy doo doo doo doo doo doo."
"Ugh! What an absolutely teeth-grinding, annoying melody of a tune. It's enough to drive anyone insane..."

Credits to Chris Campbell on reedy