The Duty of a Secret Regent

Chapter 11

It took me quite a long while to heal completely from the unfortunate incident, but it also brought me some insights since I had time to think about my life choices. And the principal insight that I gained from it was, I had to make a will, a settlement as soon as possible about my assets. I had no time to leisure now that the beginning of my end came near. 

Once I returned to my office formally exactly 4 weeks after the unfortunate incident, the first thing I did was call for a solicitor, and solve the matter once and for all in complete discretion. After ensuring the distribution of my assets, I returned back to my kingly duties. 

I missed Prokhor and Anoushka the whole while. I had personally forbidden them from seeing me in that weakened state, but now that order of mine came biting me in the hip and I could not help but sigh at how silent the corridors felt, and how frequently my glance darted towards the door at every creak of wood on the corridor outside. I sighed and looked back at my document each time, lazily scribbling my quill pen on it. Konstantin has been awfully quiet these days. He doesn't talk to me much, nor look at me anymore. It felt like he forcibly ensured his position as my aide to spite me, which upset me a bit, but my ego prevented from speaking up to him; and also because I knew if I got too close to him, it would be him who gets hurt in the process and not me, and I could not bear that, it would break my resolve. 

Not being able to bear the silence any longer, I coughed out, partly to subdue the awkwardness a bit, and also partly because a sudden bout of cough came over me, the first sign of the Goddess' curse, which was the name of my disease. It had no cure, no medicine nor treatment could ever cure it. The symptoms were odd and otherworldly and so was the way each patient died. It was often thought, people who has to sacrifice a lot in their lives ultimately suffer from it. I did not understand the technicalities of it, but I did not deny them either. I had long given up on my dreams and hopes anyway, so it didn't matter either way since I had no regrets left. 
The cough earlier left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I did not show any outward conviction regarding that. 

Goddess' curse, a mysterious illness that claims many lives in this kingdom is endemic only to these soils. It is triggered after the patient suffers something life-wrecking or deeply traumatizing in their life. The first symptoms are persistent coughs that draw blood, followed by slow but steady blackening of the patient's blood from red to pitch black as the night sky, darkening of irises, paleness of skin, hypertension and cold sweats, and the final stage is, once the heart turns completely black, the patient faints and dies after abruptly turning into ashes. Not a sliver of their mortal presence remains anymore. So, even the body don't need to be cremated or gotten rid of. No treatment or medicines ever work on them, but the death is peaceful, the patient doesn't feel anything at all. Instead of curse, my personal feeling about this was, it was a blessing. Any person who spends their lives and gets this disease has suffered enough already, so this sort of death would be a balm for their long traumas instead. 

I was just worried about Konsta, I did not want him to suffer because of me. He gave his heart to me, but I could not give what he deserves ever, and he's not a man to go look for another woman either. I could only promise foolishly, in the next life, since there is the cycle of rebirth, I will give him his true worth with everything I have and compensate him for everything.

Finishing my job early that day, I decided to break the ice with him, "Konstantin?" 

"Yes milord?" He asked in polite business tone. Even though his tone was neutral, I could feel his heavy heart beneath that was deeply hurt at my spurn. So I made up my mind to give him everything he ever desired before I die, in the next few years. 

"What are things that you wish you could enjoy with your lover or spouse, beyond romance I mean?" 

"Hmm that depends, singing, dancing under a well-decorated ballroom maybe, spend days gardening and smelling jasmines and red roses blooming there, spend a whole night out into a festival just eating away and counting the stars and constellations, and traveling to mountains and seas." 

I sighed deeply. Those were things that I too once loved. And those were the wishes even I wanted to fulfill with him in the past. But we never could. 

I looked back at him again, "Do you think...just maybe... take my words with a grain of salt of course-" 

"What is it that you want to say milord?" He asked slightly surprised at my lack of composure, but I pressed a finger against his lips. 

"Hush, patience Aleksei, tell me, would you like to do these with me?" I asked, sheepishly. I just wanted to feel a bit of happiness before leaving, just a bit, not enough to be greedy but enough to have some memories of happiness to cherish in my last moments at least, or in our next life that would fuel me find him and compensate him. 

"With...YOU?!" He seemed stupefied before smiling, "Is this a sort of apology hmm, my dear?" 

"Think what you want, but maybe yes?" I let him along, think whatever he wished. 

"Those are the wishes I had about you, you know." He elaborated gayly now. 

"Well then there's no reason we cannot do them now. I can always be in disguise!" 

"Why could you not think of these before huh?" He hit my head lightly, "Why must you make me suffer so, heartless girl! I really hate you Mira!" 

I laughed and rubbed my head lightly, finally doing a daring job and kissing on his cheek, the first time since he went to the war and my family's massacre, and I felt quite smug seeing him so shocked at it, while smiling softly too, appreciating the gesture. 

"Well this heartless girl can always help you achieve them now."  

In all my years of life, I have never felt a happier moment that this, and I could not help but shudder when I looked back at my royal cloak that had long fallen off me as we walked away from there. The royalty has taken everything away from us and left just dry husks instead, perhaps in another life we could regain our rights again. After all, the ancient priests had analyzed and determined, Aleksei and I were fated lovers, who were bound to each other forever in all cycles of births. I wanted to believe in my little fairytale for just a few more years now, just enough to help me be reborn again with my beloved Aleksei, when finally we will have our happily ever after.