Tan Lines and Closed Eyes ( Ziall AU)

Chapter 17

Niall's POW

The rest of the day I watched Zayn sketch. It was really calming thing to do, just lay on my stomach on Zayn's soft bed and watch dreamily as he made lines on the canvas with the black pencil he had in hand. The pencil spat black graphite on the white as Zayn resolutely dragged the pencil wherever he thought it should go.

My eyes ran up from Zayn's hand up his arm, and stopped at his biceps. God, I couldn't even begin explaining how his biceps only made me feel so hot all over. It was like Zayn was a piece of art, a pure piece of gold. Production that god had been working on the longest on his whole progress of creating this world. And his biceps-

"Niall...why didn't you tell about it?" Zayn's voice suddenly sounded and cut my thoughts all at once. Zayn's voice was kinda hoarse, we had been hanging in comfortable silence for the whole day. The last time Zayn talking was 3 hours ago, when he complimented my choice of clothing. I was wearing Zayn's jumper and my own gray jeans.

"What?" I stopped myself thinking about Zayn's upper arms and furrowed my brows, confused by Zayn sitting next to me. What I hadn't told him?

"That Rick...sexually abused you..." Zayn had hard time saying it out loud, and his voice was quiet, almost a whisper, like he making sure it was safe to talk about this.

"Oh." I said a little bit louder than Zayn before "I guess Harry told."

"Niall you can't just, not to mention something like that to me."

"It's kind of hard to say it you know." I stated. " It's kind of awkward always, I mean we are talking about sex here." Wow what are you Niall, twelve?

"Talk to me, Ni.

" About sex?" I tried to ease the tense feeling in the room, and Zayn responded with a little playful glare and muttered "You know what I mean..."

"Ahh...I just, I feel so ashamed about it all ya know? I'm a man, god dammit I have a dick and I'm supposed to be the dominant one. That's what's expected from the gender I was born in. But, I'm not like that. I'm homosexual so I guess that just fits the stereotype somehow, that I'm a little like, feminine and weaker." I said honestly and turned to lay on my back, looking towards Zayn upside down.

" I never wanted to be the weak one. But I am and I can't change who I am and it's makes me feel so ashamed." Wow. I guess I just told Zayn that I'm a bottom. Awkward...

" You're strong. You're still here, you're still living and still smiling, no matter what that asshole did to you. Most people that go through something similar can't do that. In my eyes, you're fucking strong."

"Am I though? I don't know how you see me, I can't know that since a person never really sees himself, the best picture you can get of yourself is from the mirror. It's only a reflection of who you are. There has been moments when I've been strong yes, but was I strong when Rick was...abusing me? I let it happen,you know. When he..he...oh fuck it I'm finally gonna say it out loud. When he raped me, in the end, I let it happen. And it makes me sometimes wonder, was it a rape? Can I really call him out on the things he did when I rarely even fought back and just let it happen?"

I noticed Zayn had placed the pencil to the floor and he was now looking at me with his hazel eyes, and I was staring back with my blue ones. I turned on my stomach, since my position was kinda awkward. The air in the room was getting thicker with the confessions being made.

"I'm- I can't understand it. I can't never be able to even properly understand how bad it much have been for you. It's so fucking wrong." Zayn said and I was almost too busy drowning in to his eyes to hear him talk, but only almost