It's just my journal.

My Friend

6/5/15 -Slight Trigger Warning-

So, uh, I joined a bullying support group on Twitter and this girl's been in the worst state. We became friends and we help each other gain confidence. She's now in the hospital. She can't keep anything down and she's been having constant asthma attacks. Yesterday she found out that her best friend committed suicide. Her mother hits her, and her father gives her rape threats.

They admitted her to the hospital because she had a crazy high fever...........she's been diagnosed with cancer. I keep telling her she'll be okay. She keeps answering with "I know". We both won't accept that she's dying. She's lost 25 pounds in a week and... we just don't know what to do. She's giving up, she's wishing to die. I've grown attached to her, and I'm so afraid. Everything she owns, fits in one backpack. She's bullied, and that's where we first connected.

She believes that she's worthless. I do my best to help her, but I can only do so much. We're both not okay. If I'm being honest, I'm more scared than she is...because she's ready to die, and she wants to die because she thinks no one cares. I lost my grandmother to cancer at the age of seven, and I didn't get to say goodbye. I've been so scared of the same thing happening again, and to know that it might happen rips me apart. I really care about her and I just want her to get better so much, but I'm too weak to help her. I don't deserve to know her, and I sure as hell don't deserve to be her friend. I'm weak and useless. Man, I want to relapse so bad. I've gone about two weeks with out cutting, and I'm almost to three, but it's so hard. I keep asking myself why she can't see how much I care, but I guess it's because I don't show it enough.

Cutting would be so great right now. It would stop my pain. I'd be at peace and my tears would stop.

But, If anyone does read this, don't say anything like "You're such an attention seeker" because this is my literal pain and I don't have anywhere else to write it. I'm posting this because I think you guys deserve to know. So if anyone has anything to say anything negative about my feelings don't say it. Just shut the hell up and go away, okay?