It's just my journal.

The Letter That You Will Never See.

Hey there,

It's been a little while. I miss talking to you. Well, not just talking to you, I miss you. I miss you as a person. I'm writing this at 12:30 AM right after Christmas, and, to be honest with you, I've never felt more alone. Maybe it's because you're not around this time. Maybe it's because I know that you got worried sick about me if I didn't say hello you after I told you what it was like at my house.

It kills me to know that you got sick from stress trying to make sure I was happy. It kills me to know that you wouldn't tell me things so as not to worry me. It kills me that I wasn't ever able to tell you thank you for everything you've done for me. It kills me that you're not around for me to smile at and giggle with.

Hell, I don't even know if you're breathing. I don't. They never told me. Are you? I want to know so badly, because I won't have to worry about you and how you're doing. I don't want to think about you, but you're always in the back of my mind. Your voice, your smile, your laughter, and how you eventually took to calling me "sweetie" without realizing it, and when I asked you about it, you said "Because you've always been so sweet."

I don't think  you ever knew how much meant to me. How you dragged color and beautiful song melodies back into my life with just your words. How did you do that? How did you fix me, even after I broke again. Why do I get so upset when I think about you? Please, please tell me. 

You deserved someone better than me. I think we both knew that. We both knew that there were so many other people who you could've been friends with, but you chose me. You chose me. Even when I was ignoring you, you waited for me. You gave your all when it came to making me happy. To see me smile and laugh. Before we went separate ways, you always told me, "Try to keep yourself safe."

Those were your last words to me. I told you to stay safe, and gave a smile. We haven't talked since. We haven't done a single thing. It's been two months, but you always told me you'd come back. So I'll wait for you, that's okay. As long as it takes to make you happy. 

Even so, I texted you right before writing this letter. I know that you'll most likely not see it. That's okay. I wished you well. I told you that I missed you. I thanked you for being there for me. Then, I was the one to say "Try to keep yourself safe."

And I know you won't reply. I know that, but it's okay, I'll be okay. You don't need to worry.

Even though you won't see this, please try to stay safe,

From,

Helesi.