After New York

Chapter 13: No way to say goodbye

(^ This Leonard Cohen song is one of my all time favorites, and this cover is beautiful. I feel like it encapsulates the emotions of this chapter so well so give it a listen if you have a chance ) 

Tessa 

I watch the sunrise from the kitchen counter. His warm hands firmly wrapped around my thighs 

Through the window, the sky seems to reflect the colors that now swirl around in my head. Soft hues of pink and indigo overlayed with bright rays of orange light peeking over the skyline.

My fingers are deep in his thick brown hair. His face back between my thighs. As he pulls me through endless waves of pleasure, and I watch those same colors explode behind my eyelids.

 I know that tonight may not be for the best. That it's not going to make any of this easier, but I wanted to give him all of me tonight. To have all of him. Over and over. In every possible way. And I know he wanted the same. Needed it. Just as much as I did. And that soothes me in a way I can't explain. After all this time. Regardless of what today brings with it. We still fill a void for each other that nothing and no-one else can.

I don't think we have ever needed each other quite like this before. It feels like a thirst that I can't fully quench but we refuse to stop anyway.

My eyes are heavy and tired - and I see the same reflected in his, as he looks up at me. His breath heavy and his lips still glistening with the evidence of our passion.

As the haze of yet another orgasm clears, and the light of day shines brighter and brighter through the window. The conflict inside me bubbles up to the surface with it. And I look into his clear, green eyes as he rises to kiss me. His lips are soft, his tongue slow and tired. Still tinted with the taste of our mingled arousal.

Part of me wants to tell him to stay.

To ask him to never leave me again. To forget about Chicago, the book, and the last 8 months and slip back into my bed like we never left each other.

To wake up to me every morning, and let me fall asleep in his arms every night.

But I don't. Instead I just kiss him back. Trying to make the most of whatever time we have left.

Because as much as I want this. Him. Us. I know that I am not ready for it. That we are not ready for it. 

I can feel in my bones - that if I give into that urge - we will eventually end the way we always have. And this time. I know that we will both be left irrevocably broken.

"Where did you go, Tess?" he asks softly. His green eyes steady on mine. And I just smile at him. Shaking my head and wrapping my arms around his neck. Caressing his hair with my fingers.

"I'm here." I promise. And I see sadness color his vision, but he doesn't say another word. And I hold him close as he buries his face into my neck. Feeling him inhale me deeply. And I allow myself to do the same to him. Locking this memory of him away somewhere safe in my mind. 

When we finally close our eyes. It's only for a moment. His alarm already set to wake us when it's time. And we hold each other. Wrapped up in blankets on the floor of my living room. To exausted to even make it back to my bed. 

His hand gently stroke my hair. Willing me to sleep, even just for a minute. Whispering sweet nothings, as tears stain our cheeks and time hangs over us like a noose.