I hug Cream close to my chest. He's a cream colored cat stuffie with a soft pink bow that I've had since the start of middle school. He's a bit tattered and worn out, but I still love him very much.
I lay in bed, with my eyes wide open and just staring at the wall. I look at my phone, seeing the time. It's 5:29 am. I've been awake since 4:00, a whole hour and a half before my alarm actually goes off.
I've been nervous about going to school and haven't been able to get much sleep because of it. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night because of how anxious I feel, and then I can't get back to sleep. I'm already six months into my senior year of high school, you would think it'd be easy going to school by now. It's not, though, and I dread it every single waking day.
I hate it there so bad, I feel like everyone is judging me constantly and it's so exhausting having to be in a place full of crowded people for seven whole hours while being conscious of everything you do so you don't stand out.
It feels like the slightest misstep will be held against me. Every day is like walking on eggshells, I never get a break. I'm always on edge, always anxious, always paranoid. The days seem to go by like weeks, and the weeks feel like days, I feel trapped in this never-changing, never-ending cycle.
I just have to get through this year, though. Just this one year. I don't know what I'll do once I graduate, but I just want to get out of there as soon as I can. Maybe I'll even leave this stupid backward ass city. But for now, I should probably get ready for school since staying in bed daydreaming about my ideal world won't get me to graduate from that hellhole.
I go to the bathroom and wash my face and teeth, then look at myself in the mirror. Why do I gotta be so weird looking? I squish my cheeks, and then I brush my dark brown frizzy hair into a fluffy ponytail and go back to my room to get dressed.
I put on some white jeans and my oversized, pastel pink strawberry pocky sweater. I sigh, standing in the middle of my room. I really don't want to fucking go, it's getting hard to breathe just thinking about it. I groan and smack my cheeks a few times. I can do this! It'll be fine!
I give Cream one last hug before I leave. I can't bring him with me even though I really wish I could since he helps a bit with my anxiety but a 17 year old with a stuffie? In high school?? That's not very socially accepted. I put on my Little Twin Stars shoes, grab my backpack and an apple to eat then head to the bus stop.
While waiting for the bus, I can already sense this day won't go very well, I just have this gut feeling. Then again, every day I feel like this. Thank you anxiety for fucking up my gut feeling. I just pray it's only my nerves and nothing bad will actually happen today.
The bus arrives and I get on, taking the first empty seat I see and looking out the window, feeling more and more nervous with each passing second that I get closer to arriving at school. The day hasn't fully started, and already I just wanna puke, crawl into a hole, and die. I hate this feeling so fucking much. Can I just throw myself out of the bus window? Nah, I think I'll have a pretty high survival chance, not worth it.
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I manage to make it till lunch without drawing any attention to myself. I sit outside against the wall, trying to make myself invisible. I usually get hungry during lunch but I get too overwhelmed being in the packed lunch room to get food so I just pack a yogurt cup or milk or a banana to eat, which I forgot to do today. Aren't I a genius?
I look at the cliques of kids. They all have found their spot and their friend groups. Meanwhile, I'm the complete loner. I sigh, hugging my knees to my chest. This school year was supposed to be different. I was supposed to make friends.
It's not that I haven't tried making friends, I have and I've tried talking and being like them but no one likes me or they just flat out ignore me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is it all just in my head? Am I just weird? Am I the problem? I don't understand people at all!
I feel a shadow loom over me and I look up, snapping out of my thoughts, to see Jayshley smirking down at me. She's been in at least one of my classes every year since middle school and all she has ever done to me is torment me and make fun of me. Why? I couldn't tell you, it's just as much of a mystery to me; I highly doubt it's jealousy, though, since she has everything I don't. Friends, good grades, beauty.
"Awww, what's wrong? Did the cuts on your wrist from last night not finish you off?" She said in a mocking tone and pouting, making her best friend, Emma, giggle and slight whisper. "She only does it for attention, remember? She can't actually do it." They snickered.
I look at the ground, trying to ignore her, though I did become slightly agitated at her comment, but there's no way she would know about that. I am very careful about it and it's been a while since I've resorted to that. All she wants is to get a reaction from me but she won't get it, that attention seeking whore.
I feel my ponytail being pulled aggressively until I'm on my feet, I let out a small yelp of pain seeing Jayshley's dark brown eyes glaring at me. "I'm talking to you, stupid bitch! Say something." She said and slammed me against the wall. I still stayed quiet and held back tears, I can't show her any form of weakness, that's what she wants. She's not worth my tears.
Emma crossed her arms in front of her chest and leaned in close to me "you think you're better than us just because you're giving us the silent fucking treatment?" She then pulled my ear harshly towards her and hissed "you're a pathetic sad bitch!" I winced in pain and while trying to push away from her, I accidently got a hold of one of her hoop earrings, pulling it until it came off.
Emma let out a scream and held her ear "you fucking whore!" She slapped me across the face. At this point I couldn't take it anymore, I was shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. My ear was ringing, I could tell there were people starting to gather around to see what was happening and I didn't like all their eyes on me.
"L-leave me alone... please.. I'm sorry..." I said quietly, hoping they had a change of heart or a teacher would come or the earth would just swallow me whole. But I don't have such luck. "Oh now you wanna play victim? After you attacked Emma?! Please!" Jayshley said, tightening her long chestnut brown ponytail.
There were students that began chanting 'Fight! Fight! Fight!' But it all seemed to be going in slow motion. Everything was blurry, and I could hardly breathe or hear. Everything sounded muffled, and there was a constant ringing. My senses couldn't fully grasp anything that was going on, I felt hot tears stream down my cheeks. I still flinched when I saw that Jayshley was about to hit me, though.
When I heard everyone go quiet and I didn't get the blow to the face I was expecting, I slowly opened my eyes. There was a tall girl, maybe around 5'8'', with the palest skin and black hair that just barely reached her shoulders in a blunt cut. She was wearing a dark grey sweater over a form-fitting black croptop with black sweatpants and was holding Jayshley's hand, stopping her from hitting me.
"She said to leave her alone." The girl said in a low but stern voice.
