thoughts

screw ups and mistakes

I'm just about done with everyone. I try and try, and nothing ever works out. I attempt to fix my problems, but that makes it worse. I long to be the best I can be, but I'm always left in the end. I loathe seeing you someday when I don't mean to, because I'd break down. you were the only one I had left, you were the single person I had left to support me. now I'm numb, I don't know what to do. you said you'd always be there. but here we are again.. why do I always do this, I get hurt but I give more and more chances each time. you disappeared, you vanished into the distance where I can no longer reach you. you said you'd never leave. so where are you?
this is all my fault. I always do this, I'm such an idiot. I didn't mean for this to happen, I made a jerk move and this spiraled out of control. now I don't have you anymore and you were the only thing making me smile when no one else would answer me at three in the morning. you stayed up late for me, I stayed up late for you, we were there for each other. now look what I've done. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. can I just take this all back? can I just not be a screw up for once?
why. just why. I don't see the reason for trying at all anymore. I don't know why I get close to people, I don't know why I try to. it never works out. here I am now, thinking about someone I'll never get back. once again. for the millionth time. I just give up on friendships. there's no point, I just end up becoming drenched in my own pain. so why try? exactly. I shouldn't