Fever Dream

Chapter 5: The Reason To Live

I gripped my head and shook it violently, as if I could somehow shake out the memories of The Event. I looked up and the first thing I saw was the telecommunications tower. For lack of anything better to do, I decided to walk towards it.

Past memories: July 2018

"Hey, I've noticed that you've been acting really weird lately."

"Hello?"

I called out to Ben a third time. "Hello?"

He began to break into a run.

"What the hell?"

I sped up, following him, confused as to what was going on. He'd been acting different the past few days. Not that he didn't act strange normally, but he was certainly out of sync.

He would spend hours walking around, as if deep in thought. Sometimes, he would appear to shout and cheer, silently. He was oblivious to all external inputs. Sometimes I would ask him what was going on. Other times I'd even try to hold and strangle him just to snap him out of his daze. All he would say was "Just give me some space, I've got a lot in my head right now."

Maladaptive daydreaming. I had heard of it before, and I was pretty sure that was what Ben had. But how he had developed the condition, I did not know. What was even more confusing was that a few months ago, he seemed to be getting better.

***

Past memories: September 2018

"Come with me," said Ben.

"Where?"

"Up the tower."

Despite the fact that the evening was already getting dark, we made our pilgrimage to the top of the telecommunications tower, one we had undertaken for as long as we could remember. By now, every rung and wire on the tower was baked into our memory. We could even climb the tower blindfolded if we wanted to! Once we were on the top platform, Ben leaned against the railings of the catwalk and stared intently at the pulsating red light.

"Tell me," he began to say. "What do you think we should live for? Ourself? Society?"

"Both," I said. "I guess."

"What should we even make of our lives?" Ben continued. "Experiencing this reality, this existence. I mean, what's it even for?"

"Maybe, getting as much fulfilment as you can before the biological timer runs out?" I said. "Though what defines that fulfilment is very hard to say."

"Exactly," said Ben. "Imagine living every day of your life, knowing that each second brings you closer to the jaws of senescence."

"It's a normal fact of life. Death is fulfilling; death is the reference point that gives meaning to life," I said. "Death is as important and generous as life itself, for without the threat of death our existence would mean nothing to us."