Strings attached

Ink and intuition

Inside the crowded lecture hall where the air hummed with anticipation. I was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts. The supposed afternoon nap was not helping in changing my mood. Instead, nothing ever does. My eyes were fixated on a blank space as if trying to grasp the essence of the day. The professor's words seemed to float past me, evading my grasp as they disappeared into the vast expanse of my contemplative mind.

The class I'm currently attending is Soil, water and atmospheric processes. The lectures hall was not as big as the amphitheater because just Geoscience students attended.

"The formation of soil takes centuries as weathering erosion and deposition of rocks gradually break them down into smaller particles." Dr. Sophia Adler, one of the senior lecturer in Geoscience Department. A cranky one too, started elaborating.

As Dr. Sohpia continued her lecture through intricate diagrams on the whiteboard and started writing the chemicals terms, my brows furrowed.
Surrounded by focused students diligently taking notes doesn't help my inner turmoil. The nuances of the subject along with the professor's passionate delivery echoed in the background, sending ripples to my stomach and I felt like hurling whatever I ate this morning.

I looked around the lecture hall and the feeling of claustrophobic crept in. The big room that can fit 200 people felt like a tiny booth. The struggles to grasp the subject matter intensified. Doubt slithered into my mind, whispering that I wasn't meant to take this course. I don't have the ability to understand and that I was somehow lacking the capacity to grasp the details presented.

The relentless drive to comprehend left me chocking, like a snake tightly coiling around my neck. Constricting with each breath I try to take. This gripping feeling intensifies making it increasingly difficult for me to breathe freely. It's as if I'm trapped in the clutches of this unseen force suffocating me emotionally and physically. A whisper echoed within my thoughts, persistently suggesting that I was inadequately suited to my surroundings and had succumbed to a state of utter uselessness. It served as a constant reminder of my true intellectual shortcomings.

A memory resurfaced of mom telling me that I'm expected to get that particular result for my O level. Whilst everyone else is worried and doing their best consoling my 4th sister. Who unable to further her A-level and didn't get into her desired college. I applied on my own to enter Ceridian University, one of the prestigious and famous university in the world. Nobody applaud, instead I received remorsed from my siblings for entering such institution. I was not worthy of this place nor do I have the rights to waste my father's money. Whereas Vanessa has all the rights, all the compassions.

Although I fought with all my might to continue studying, inside I'm on the edge. To proof to my parents that I'm able to do this and at the same time not wanting to quit and be stucked at home, or worst living with Veronica, my 3rd sister. I've had thought of going back to my parents in UAE but I can't deny that I hate Middle Eastern life. Staying here in the tropic weather suits me more. I am now in a small boat adrift in a vast ocean unable to navigate the complex reasoning in my head.

"Ri.. Leri.. Valeri!" I snapped back to reality upon hearing my name.

"You ok girl? Your face is red! Do u need to go to the nurse?" Lola bombarded me with questions.

I tried to focus my vision to her sweet tanned face.

"Uhh, am ok. Sleepy and hungry. Can't focus much. He.. He. " I nervously laugh and smile, trying to compressed the anxiety I'm having. Whilst trying to control my breathing and suppressed my tears.

Lola patted my shoulder and I pretended to listen & force myself to jotted down some notes. Cursing inside how screwed I am with this class.

Dr. Sophia ended the class with an online quiz and everyone expected to do them before 9 a.m tomorrow. "Shitos! ", I muttered and Lola snorted.