Letters to Kim Namjoon- My safe place.
I hated the flowers, the gardens and the happy people around me. But then you came. You came like a spring breeze with your vintage camera, talking about life, weaving your fingers in the black mane, showing of...
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The slow dull intermittent tones are blessed by the soothing piano behind. The red headlights on the road light it up like a way between the dull dark blue waters of the buildings. The crossroads and the subway. Seoul is far away from me and yet it feels like the home I always wanted. The city feels familiar when the cold air hits me at dawn.
"Why do you sound like soul?"
Even though you feel you have lost the connection to this city which you called your home, even if it's all about urbanization hitting every corner, buildings, and cars crowding your vision, you still feel the need to stay here. Need to stay even though you don't find good memories to reminisce about. Hating and loving are 2 sides of the same coin. Flipping it. Loving and hating Seoul.
"The scent of life." You sit alone at the window of the bus, watching the scenery slip by as the sand slips away from your hand. Buildings look the same but a little different. Maybe it's just the way you see it. Less and fewer people are in the parks and it makes you catch the solitude that may not last long. The vibes are cold but your heart is warm. The Han River has been carrying the guilt, sorrows, and untold feelings of Seoul. Yet it is flowing.
Flowing through the pain. Flowing through the city. Rejuvenating its beauty. The fishy smell, growing up people exiting the city, and the loneliness. It's all that's left and you still love Seoul. Maybe because it is connected to your soul. Going through the dimly yellow-lit tunnel, you see the night sky at the end of it. Love and hate is the same for you ever since. I love Seoul, I hate Seoul.
"I'm leaving Seoul, I'm living Seoul." Have you ever thought of leaving Seoul? I guess you did that's why you thought about living it. You felt your childhood memories fading away into those urban monotones. Is that why you thought of leaving? Then why did you switch to living? Did you doubt yourself or the city's ability to bless you with harmony?
You were losing yourself in the mundane life. I am too. No spark, no conflagration. No will to live. Living is a big word for me now. Surviving would be better. Seoul's crowded market streets, the far-viewed Namsan Tower, the Han River, and me. I have never opened the leaving and living cards of Seoul but I find myself lost in your lyrics. It's a premonition for me. maybe a good one. I feel alive hearing you describe the place you thought was bustling and went stale. Maybe you hated the liveliness of the city. And you started hating yourself.
Seoul and you have something in common. You both harbor pain, loss of life, tragedy, betrayal, and nostalgia. And yet you both give comfort. Always displaying love and happiness on the exterior. Maybe you and Seoul were meant to be. Your soul and Seoul. Cut through the mundane monotone lonely waters and give life to yourself and Seoul. Seoul fuelled you. And you did too.
I am glad you decided to stay. When I come, I will stay too.
