FINDING LIFE

RELIEVED AND TRAPPED(5)

Unedited...

I always dreamed of doing something big, making a name for myself. Regardless of the situation at home, I worked hard at school because that way I knew that I was doing something for myself. Since I didn't have parents, I always thought of making myself proud and now all this seems to be so far-fetched that I can't even comprehend. I barely know whether I would be able to see another day. I haven't given up yet, but I am not doing anything to make my life any better either.

Over the years I have become so accustomed to it that I don't see a future any different from my present. My day begins with pain and ends with pain. I know my health is deteriorating...mental as well as physical.

But I have come this far, I can handle it all. I can handle all the pain. I will get through it all.

Some nights bless me with such sleep that I sleep like a baby, but some nights are absolute hell like today. My head had been throbbing all night. Even a slight movement causes the pain to flare up and, in the end, I threw up due to pain.

"Oh god, if you can't save me then at least come and do some of the chores"

After cleaning myself up and getting ready, I went downstairs and began making breakfast. Probably no one was up. So, I set the food on table and left for school while chewing on a loaf of bread. If it was up to my fosters, they wouldn't allow me to go to school, but they want to put on a show of being a normal family. So, the happy family facade can keep going on.

School was pretty much the same as any other day. A place that allows me to recuperate and now that I no longer have a job, I decided to visit the park until it was time to go home.

Coming here made me realize the beauty of this world... this life. Being around negativity all the time made me forget how beautiful it can be. I might not see all the colors of life but someone else could... a young girl walking her dog, an old couple sitting on the bench holding hands, a cute chubby kid sliding down the slides, two young girls on the swing.

I will see the beauty of life through them. The smile on their faces lifted my spirit. I feel content here, sitting under this huge mango tree.

My Vincezo used to sit in that exact swing, and I used to watch over him from this exact same place, sometimes joining him there. It was our happy place.

"I just want that past to be my future".

Heaving a sigh, I left the place and walked back home.

"He would have accompanied me back home holding my pinky finger, insisting to take him in my arms."

I opened the front door and walked in holding back those tears. I got a grip on myself and looked around. Something was wrong. It was clean, exactly how I left it in the morning...even food was sitting untouched on the table.

"Mother"

"Father"

No one responded. Ignoring it, I started walking upstairs and saw the door to their room azar.

"Shall I go and check?"

"No, if caught they will have me on silver platter."

"Let's toss a coin, if tail then I will go in otherwise not." And I threw the coin in the air and extended my hand to catch it, but it slipped out of my finger down the stairs...should have known my luck by now.

"Shall I go down and check?"

"Fuck it, let's just head inside." Gathering courage, I went inside.

Her room was a mess, but I couldn't spot her. So, I went further inside.