FINDING LIFE

FUNERAL AND BLOOD (6)

UNEDITED

"ONCE AGAIN, MY DREADED SELF WAS ASKED TO WALK ON BROKEN GLASSES

ONCE AGAIN, I MADE MY WAY TO LEAVE BLOODY FOOTPRINTS BEHIND

ONCE AGAIN, I MADE MY WAY TO DOOM"

Dusting myself off, I walked into complete silence. I know he is with her, so I climbed up the stairs. It was all different now. I don't know how he will react. Knocking on the door, I went in to see him sitting near her on the bed. He was staring at her blankly with dried tear stains on his face. I had seen this look before. He didn't say a word.

Late Mary Clarke lay there. This is the first time in years that I am standing in front of her, and she doesn't have a remark to make and usually, she goes straight to my hairs with her nails digging in my scalp. Now, she is all blue due to the drugs. She was beautiful, but drugs sucked that beauty out of her.

She was suffering too; she chose a way to end her suffering, after Vincenzo she couldn't get a grip on her life. She couldn't find a way out of the storm and let the darkness, anger have control on her. I just wish for her to be happy, wherever she is. To finally have the peace that she couldn't have in this life.

I just wish for things to have ended differently.

I just wish they didn't adopt me.

I just wish they had a healthy way to express their feelings.

I just wish that they were happy.

And I guess things will change for even worse. He hadn't uttered a word since I had been here, but his cellphone broke the silence.

"Take out her wedding dress from the uppermost cabinet and get her ready for final goodbye." With that he walked away to attend the call. It was 1 in the morning and her funeral will start at 9 today.

"What if I was dead in place of her? Would they have held a funeral for me or just dumped me somewhere?"

I pulled a chair and took out the dress. It was a beautiful white traditional trumpet dress. Their wedding day photo was right below the dress with a few words written on the back.

"Each end is beautiful, if each time I end up with you."

I hid that photo in my pocket...something beautiful to remember them by. I hid something in my pocket that they no longer are.

Getting her ready was a task. I was afraid that she would get up any second and smack me across the face. But I did it regardless. The fear just allowed me to work even more quickly. Just as I was done, he came back.

"Leave" I retired to my room in a dazed state and just slumped on the mattress and probably drifted off.

I woke up to a lot of noise in the house which is quite contrary to our usual scene. I checked the time for it to be 7 o'clock. Cleaning myself up I went down to check, and I was right, there were a lot of relatives and our neighbors giving their condolences to my father. A few of them noticed me and came toward me.

"We are so sorry for your loss."

"She was such an amazing mother."

"I can't express my pain; I miss her already so much." She was mother's drinking buddy. All this continued for hours until it was time for the funeral. I don't know if I was allowed to go or not and to be honest neither do I want to.

People started moving out one by one, Mother was moved there too and soon the house was empty but filled with a heavy feeling. I cleaned the house and their room was the most difficult one, there were traces of her...her photo on bedside table, her makeup, her scarf hung on back of the door.

"I loved you mum." All this is too much. I was feeling queasy, my throat was closing on me, my hands were shaking. I hurriedly walked out to the tree in the backyard and started punching. This has been my outlet for years. I can just let myself go here. I never stop until my knuckles bleed, until I come back to my senses and have a clarity of my surroundings.

I had never been afraid of changes, they are part of life but some changes are like hurricane and leave us to do a lot of damage control.

With swollen and bloodied knuckles I just walked back to my room with tears trailing down my cheek. I feel worse that some part of me feel relieved and some part of me yearn for the woman who brought me home.

I was blank after all that crying and just staring outside from the window of attic from where I lay on the mattress. All this just digs up the old wounds. It makes me miss Vincenzo even more.

"I wish to change it all

For you to have my life

And for me to have the death part"

Without him in it, it keeps on getting difficult and torturous.

"I yearn to listen your voice

I yearn to see your face

I yearn for that hug

I yearn to create those memories again

And if not, I just yearn to switch places."

Due to exhaustion or lack of sleep... I drifted off. 

HELLO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, This chapter was sort of a filler and if it was boring then I absolutely feel you and these chapters are sort of drafts to have an outline of the story, which means I might add some more stuff while editing later.

HAVE A GREAT DAY AHEAD GUYS.