parts of us

I remember the night I fell in love with you.

It's crazy because I only remembered the night when you left.

I didn't force it or anything, the night we both sat together on the grass just popped in my head, I thought why that moment? Out of all memories, why does this one keep appear?

My brain asked the questions, my heart knew the answer. It was the night I fell in love with you.

I don't like to talk to people that much about this. They might think I still didn't let go; they think I'm still not over it. I might be weak, or delusional. And the thing is, they might be right, but they would never understand what I mean when I say I miss you.

That's why I'm writing it in here. No one's here to make opinions, it's my own world. Some letters, some pages.

I was trapped in my mind. Thinking I miss you but hating you because you just left. After I read something, I realized what I miss. They said:

"You'll never find the same person again, not even in the person itself".

Despite working on myself, meeting new people, falling in love with little romances, you were always going through my mind, at least once every day. Last time this happened it was my grandpa who died back in 2011. He's still in my mind everyday at least once. You were the first person I told this while crying like a little boy because I missed him so much. We were sitting in my car, driving home, and I just started telling you. You didn't know me longer than 3 months at that time, and it still felt like you the only person that can absorb a little percentage of my pain during that time.

I didn't tell you this, but I tried so hard not to fall in love with you. It was impossible.

I was a jerk, because I knew if I would let you love me too much, it's going to kill you in the end. Damn was I foolish.

My grandpa passed away, I still miss him, I love him, and I will never forget him.

but

Do you know how hard it is to miss, love and never forget a person that is still around?

The funny thing is you are around. But not the person I miss.

You'll never read this. But this will be the longest love letter, the longest thank you letter, the longest hate letter.

You are not around anymore. The crazy smile when I said something funny vanished.

You are not around anymore. The dark eyes watching to the side when you were telling me a story and acting like a diva.

The dark long hair I used to smell after you got out of the shower. The smell of home, of love.