One last Chance

more than anything

*Evelyn*

It was a strange feeling when Charles had to leave again, because even though he promised to come back as soon as possible, there was this nervousness in me. What if he didn't come back? What if he abandoned us again?

We had talked about everything and we were definitely both to blame. Still, the fear burned inside me. I could hardly imagine it, but I hadn't been able to do that the last few times either. It had happened anyway. Again and again.

And as Charles said goodbye to the girls, my throat tightened. He immediately lifted his gaze in my direction. Quite as if he sensed my uncertainty, even though his back was crouched to me.

His gaze scanned my face. I tried to avoid his gaze. I didn't want him to see how much it stressed me out and how scared it made me. Even though I knew it was wrong. I should have talked to him about it, because that's what had always caused our relationship to falter so far, that we just didn't talk.

But it felt like my tongue was suddenly in knots.

I gasped as he came over to me. His hand slid to my jaw.

"Talk to me." he said "You can't keep it bottled up. It's making you sick." he whispered.

"I'm afraid you won't come back," I bit my tongue after the sentence burst out of me.

He pulled me a little closer and put his lips on my forehead "I love you Evi. More than anything in this world and I'll be back. I swear to you, I'd rather take the three of you with me, but Aly has to get really well first. And when I come back, I'm sure we can be out of the hospital by then and then I'll have a surprise for you. I know it's very hard after the last few times, but please trust me. I'll be back."

"I know, I'm still scared," I sobbed and just couldn't suppress it. I couldn't suppress the tears and the shaking. I couldn't suppress the fact that I was scared and that I was nervous.

"I'm sorry that I made you feel so insecure. But I promise you that I will be there. As soon as the race is over, I'll be back.".

He pressed another kiss on my forehead "I'll be back, Evi.".

Then he detached himself from me and disappeared from the room. Aly immediately came over to me and hugged my body. 

"Dad will definitely come back this time," she whispered "He promised me. He will definitely come back. And if not, we still have Uncle Lance, I'm sure he'll take care of us again."

I was sorry that she said these words to me, because it only made clear how much she had noticed last time. I had tried to keep from her how much I had suffered from the separation and how much I had missed Charles, but I hadn't always managed it. There had been days when I had simply broken down. Then I had not been able to keep secret how much I was suffering.

And even though I had done everything I could not to make her feel that it was terrible that he was gone, she had just felt it.

"I know Daddy will be back.", I swallowed and stroked her hair "I'm sorry I'm crying.", I wrapped my arms around her "I love you my darling and Daddy does too."

"Do you love daddy too?" she asked looking up at me.

Man, she had asked me that question before and just like then I had no answer. Yes, I loved Charles.

I had then and I did now. But I couldn't just pretend that the last two years hadn't existed. Like nothing had happened. I couldn't pretend that we hadn't broken up several times, and that everything hadn't always gone wrong because we'd talked past each other. Or hadn't talked at all.

I knew that something had to change.

We both had to work on it. Very urgently. But before I would not be able to just say "I love you" again.