It had been months since the whole thing started. It escalated. It became worse.
I kissed my mental health goodbye and watched it go down the drain. My new identity as the 'rotten egg girl' had finally started to kick inside my head. I could feel that smell.
Even when I was home-free of cows, goats and any type of disgusting excrement scent- I could smell that smell. That agonizing scent.
Like a ghost who invited itself inside my house. It haunted me. God. I wanted to break free.
I felt suffocated. I felt as if I had invisible chains choking me. All I could think was that. I could hear their voices. I could distinguish their mocking glares in the middle of the night.
Heck.
I even had dreams about them. It was bad. I was starting to become delusional. My mom didn't know. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to accept the reality that I was, in fact, being bullied in school.
That didn't fit well with me. I've been bothered in school before, but bullied? Pfffff Not me.
So I thought.
But of course, my mom knew.
She noticed those small, unordinary changes in my behavior that alarmed her.
She caught them just in time before they turned into something worse. If your child missed 25 days of school, you know that there is something wrong, so, she confronted me about it.
She let me miss those days of school because she knew they were bothering me. But she didn't know to what extent. So when she confronted me, I cried.
Begging her to not say anything. That sure made the sirens go off inside her head. She said that we would have a meeting with my school counselors with the petition to move.
The people in my class didn't know. Or so I hoped.
But they knew. The whole school knew. The reason why they kept bothering me. Every time my classmates asked: where was I? I would say I was sick.
And it wasn't a lie. I was mentally sick. Because of their doings.
What was sadness turned into anger-almost hate towards the guy who started this whole bullying situation. And those who happily followed after. Was it my fault that the barn stank? No. Did I know I was going to get bullied? No. Did I regret meeting them? Yes.
I despised them at some point. But that wasn't going to help nor change my situation.
They didn't care. They ruined someone's life and kept living theirs. With no remorse whatsoever. That I know off anyways.
I stopped caring about making friends. Even though that thought never left my mind.
I felt so lonely. Wishing to have friends who actually cared for me. Maybe I had, but paid them no heed. I was too busy getting hateful and feeling remorseful towards myself to notice those around me who actually cared for me. If there was any.
I was so sad, so lonely. Sharing my pitiful life with Arielle. The redhead who nobody liked. Expect me.
Regardless of when she shouted at me because she didn't want to do the group project. I figured that was the turning point that made everyone stay away from her.
I remember seeing everyone's head turning my way when she screamed at me. That week later, she came to me crying about how nobody wanted to talk to her. Yeah.
I sat with her and two other girls from my class at the table of losers during lunch because I didn't want to be seen eating alone. I was too ashamed of myself to be by myself. I was dealing with my own demons inside my head to be left alone, again.
Guess how that turned out.
Anyways, I was in my fourth period class after school. Waiting for the second bell to ring to finally be dismissed out of the hell hole.
I figured it was the school who stank. Not me. But I wasn't totally convinced. It helped get through the day I guess.
It helped me feign confidence even though I did "everything" in my power to stop the bullying.
I ceased going to my animal science class, under the excuse I didn't have my permission slip to go clean the chicken barn and stayed in the detention room.
Where they sent those who didn't have their permission slip cause' no teacher wanted to stay in that depressing room.
I was waiting, minding my own business. The bell finally rang and I had to go to the end of the school and come back, for my bag. Yes. I was tired.
Our teacher didn't want us to have our bags in her classroom so we left it in our lockers. Unfortunately, mine was on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I grabbed my stuff and slammed the locker shut. Rushing my way around school so that the bus would not leave me... when I came across a guy from my third period class.
I frowned, confused. I thought I saw him coming the opposite way. Then, I remembered.
He had a twin. Everyone in our class was talking about it. He was the current topic of our school.
I let out a squeal, commenting on how much his twin looked like him when he turned around to talk to me.
Surprisingly, he wanted to talk. His twin came out of nowhere. Yelling at him to hurry up or something.
So, I kept my distance. I walked behind them and prayed that the bus didn't leave me. I walked a couple feets away from the two figures in front of me because of the unwondering thought of being a rotten egg girl, and not wanting for him to know.
He already knew.
Then I heard his twin say, "Don't talk to that girl." His tone muttered disdain.
The guy looked up from his phone. "Why." I swallowed, slowing down my pace.
"Because she stinks."
That was the cherry on top.
My breaking point.
The well needed climax to break whatever confidence I had left in me.
I came home crying that day. I held my tears during the bus ride. Some fell but I made sure nobody saw. Not like anyone cared.
Even a stranger-whom I didn't know anything about me- called me stinky. The proof and evidence needed to know that rotten egg girl had become official around school.
That was my identity among them. Among myself.
-
High school. A time to make dumb choices and hang out with the bunch. Follow the wave, get swallowed by the tide.
Share with me a time where you stopped being friends with a person because you were worried that it might affect your image in front of others. Also, tell me if you regret it and if you feel bad about making that choice.
Maybe the comment section might turn out the be a free, therapy session for you ;).
Chao~
