My Mind and Me :') (stories included)

White boy (this is a long one)

Noooo don't worry this is not going to be a racist post but about the boy I had a crush on for two years. (2021-2023)
I do not like this boy anymore (i think. If anything i believe I willl always have SOMETHING there for him but right now I really despise him)
I don't want to say his name so we'll just call him puppet because he does whatever people tell him to do because he a people pleaser who cares too much about what other people think. (Its okay if your a people pleaser but please try to get out of people pleaser habits because you're too good to be there just to satisfy other people's needs <3)
So i met puppet in 8th grade and started to like him around September or October.
A girl I was best friends with (they are no longer involved in my life and I know a few people that follow me that follow them. They are not a good person.) she liked him and I don't know if she ever stopped liking him. But as she liked him, I also started to develop feelings for him and we would talk about him together. I think she kind of stopped liking him, because I liked him, and I really wished things hadn't been like that. It wasnt a situation where I wanted to be just like her so I started to like the people she liked, but she developed a new crush so I decided to just continue to obsess over the same boy.
The first time I had much interaction with puppet was during PE (the only class I had with him) me and my ex bestfriend (whom ive mentioned) were holding hands and he called us lesbians as a joke. (Yes I know big red flag BUT WAITTT) I don't remember what we said after that but then he asked us why we wouldnt take off our masks (this was during the pandemic and when people starting going back to inperson school)
And I said to him, "its a global pandemic thats why were wearing masks." And he said, "no you're just too scared to show your face." And probably the best quick insult i had came up with at 13 years old was, "you should be too." And he didnt say anything but grin at me.
Another interaction I had with him is when we were playing backboard in PE class, he would ask my ex best friend for one of the foam balls she was holding (no dirty thoughts). She told him he could have them if he said/called her mommy. Which he did, and she gave him the ball. We were middle schoolers so please ignore the cringey dialogue we shared.
During one of these back board games, we had he was playing like he usually does, I paid not much mind to my surroundings, and when one of the foam balls came rolling to me, I ran to go pick it up and apparently someone else decided to do that too. I bumped heads with someone and as I looked up to see who it was it was Puppet. He reached out towards me and asked me if I was okay, with a smile plastered on his face. I nodded and gave him the ball and walked away. I was pretty sure I was red faced or something.
Another interaction I had was a lot of insulting. During this time, he found out I liked him and eventually got a girlfriend in January. I was really sad and I never made any moves on him because Im not a home-wrecker the fuck. And we would play volleyball on opposite sides and we would throw insults at each other. He would get mad easily. There was a moment in time where I was a huge enemies to lovers fan and me being the idiot too bold cringe middle school i was, I asked him sarcastically if he wanted to be my enemy as a joke. He never responded lmao. But after that day of throwing insults at each other I was overthinking and worrying that he would think lower of me.
Then came the biggest news i had never expected to hear. It was around april, fried. Either the 20th or 19 i dunno man. But i was walking with my ex best friend, talking about whatever it was we would talk about. I then brought up the fact that I thought that puppet hated me. And she was quick to throw out that possibility. I asked her she knew that he didnt hate me. And with a smile on her face she said, "because of the way he talks about you." And suddenly my face started to heat up and I was so confused. I asked her how he would talk to me, and she brought up a time in october where I was hit in the fact twice by two kickballs in a row. (I was crying and went to the office but they sent me back to class because the stupid fucking nurse bitch said it was fine and that the kickballs were pretty soft. They did send me to a room where I was just chilling crying my eyes out in embarrassment with a 7th grader just watching me.) that exact day after pe, he asked me friend, "how's zoey doing?" And when my ex best friend replied he went back to doing his work. And through the next few months leading to April, he would always ask about me. Asking along the lines of, "How's zoey doing?" Or "is zoey okay?"
In april on a tuesday of the second to last week of that month, in pe, we were playing kickball (the traumatizing game) and surpisingly, i did not get his in the face once. I was playing pretty well, earning points for my team. Whenever it was my turn to kick the ball, I realized that puppet wouldnt look at me whenever it was my turn. I consulted my friend about this and she told me that she had noticed that too. I was sad but then she told me that he would look through the crowd of people sometimes, and when he saw me, his eyes would linger on my for a little longer. When we started to play the game again, puppet when first and when he scored his point, he went to walk to the bleachers. Me and him locked eyes but me being me, i looked away hella fast. (Almost gave myself whiplash.)
That day, when he was in class, he asked my ex best friend, "why cant zoey look at me for long?" Or "why do i catch zoey looking at me?" It was on of those but i think it was the first one of sm. My ex best friend responded with, "she doesnt. You're just obsessed with her." And laughed and said no.
I began to question a lot of things. What confused me was why was he so concerned about my wellbeing? And why would he bring me up so randomly? I strongly doubt that he was trying to make small talk because who tf. And he knew I liked him throughout all of that time and still asked a question like that? It was a confusing situation.
After that, When we made it to highschool, i sent him a paragraph (a really long paragraph... can u blame me? A girl got a lot to say.) he left me on read and showed his friends while knowing I asked him not to show anyone but obviously he did anyway. I broke down in the lockerooms and cried. A friend who was friends with him bashed him for not replying and he said that he didnt have to. He proceeded to call me a stalker and said I was "everywhere" and that I stalked him all summer. (I follow him on tiktok ☠️) and he also said i was weird and scary. If he had gotten to know me better instead if callously ignoring me, he would know the kind of person I am.
The only time he ever responded to my messages (I sent him more than I should have and I regret it to this day. I wish I hadn't made hum so uncomfortable.) was when i was dared to ask him to homecoming. He said, "im sorry zoey I cant. I have nothing against you I just cant. Im sorry." It was something like that but maybe a little bit longer. I dont remember. But he sent that and we talked for a little bit but that was it. I sent him a message saying, "congrats in winning homecoming prince!" And he texted me back saying, "thank you!" The last message I sent him was of me telling he would not hear from me anymore. (Not that he cared.) i said what I needed to say,
At a rally we had for homecoming, all interaction there was, was of him watching me or making eye contact with me but that was it.
The last interaction I can remember during the school year was when we full on held eye contact for a while. I looked away but he kept on staring. We didnt talk much after that. I would catch him staring at me sometimes but it was not something I cared about after. I stopped putting him on a pedystal and just left whatever it was between us back then and just focused on other things. Nothing else happed after that. UNTIL YESTERDAY

On 7/8/23, I was just minding my business with my parents at target shopping. I had a mask on cause I am currently sick af and we were getting cough drops and more. As we were about to leave, I turn to talk to my parents to see PUPPET. I live in a pretty small town, and I drove all the way to a bigger town and it was rare seeing anyone i knew all the way over there. I recognized his blonde hair and blue eyes instantly. I looked down and covered my face and RAN out the FUCKING TARGET. Now he was surely to know it was me. I was freaking out. And rn im confused and considering the possibility I was hallucinating throught that. But I dont know. I dont think i will ever know.

To this day I have difficulty looking at him. I really wish I handled things differently and I really wished things had gone differently. If he has know the kind of person I was I think he would like me. And at some point in time, i think he did like me. Just a little bit and was confused about how he felt. Either that or my delusions are just talking.

(OH ANOTHER STORY ONE TIME I ACCIDENTALLY THREW A FIDGET SPINNER AT HIS HEAD AND RAN AWAY BUT MY FRIEND TOLD HIM IT WAS ME AND I HAD A DREAM HE WAS HELLA PISSED AT ME AND YEAH HAVE A GOODNIGHT, GOODMORNING, OR GOOD AFTERNOON!!!)