There are no words (to be spoken of this)

Chapter Three

 I know it's pain rn, but hold out just a little longer, we're getting to our resolution, promise!

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Too much time passed.

It wasn't even that much, not for their standards.

A day. Then two. Then three.

Dean was used to being on the road for weeks. He was used to Cas being away for months.

It had just been a few days.

It had been too long.

Dean felt every second ticking by, every minute dragging on, stretching into hours, days, then a week.

Any time without Cas was too much time in Dean's book, but now...now...

He couldn't take it.

He started praying.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Cas? Got your ears on, buddy? Hey, I...ah. Just wanted to drop in, y'know. Ask how you are. I know I'm not gonna get an answer, but whatever. One-way-line, this, right? Hope you're well, wherever you are. Stay safe and...yeah. Bye. Amen.

He couldn't say the things he wanted to say. He couldn't say the things he needed to say. He couldn't stay silent.

Hey, Cas. You good out there? Look I kinda...started writing something. For when you're back. Nothing important or anything, just thought maybe you'd wanna check it out y'know...when you're back. That's all. Be safe. Amen.

That's right. He had started writing.

It had been a spontaneous decision, one evening after he'd read Cas' poem for the millionth time that day. Because it had to be true then, right? If Cas had written this, had taken the time and effort to line these words together like glass on a string - then it had to be true.

Right? Why would he bother writing it at all if he didn't mean it?

And the way Cas had reacted to Dean finding it...he had been mortified. Clearly, he had never wanted Dean to find out, but that was a matter for another time, a time when Cas was back here where he belonged and they could finally talk this out. What mattered now was that Cas reacting so violently could only mean that the letter was important to him, that the words written there meant something to him, that all the feelings described there were true.

At least they had been, at some point.

Dean would probably fall into an existential crisis about that sooner rather than later, processing the fact that Cas had feelings for him. Or had had feelings for him. (He could only pray it was the former.) He had spent years telling himself that Cas probably wasn't even capable of feelings like that, being an angel and all. Yeah, he'd definitely have to work through that bombshell.

But his brain was kind of blocking that out as a problem for later. All he could think about right now was that Cas had written those words, and Dean had found them, and now Cas was gone, and Dean needed to get him back and make him stay, no matter what that meant for them.

So he prayed, and he wrote, hoping that putting his thoughts into words would work out better than trying to vocalize them on the spot. It seemed to work for Cas, writing stuff down to order his thoughts. Maybe it would work for him too.

Yeah. So...Dean here again. You've been away a couple days now, Cas. Just don't stay away too much longer? Not that you don't have the right to be away as long as you want or anything. Course you do. Just saying we're getting a bit worried here, that's all. Okay anyway. Hope you get this. Amen.

Not getting any messages was the worst. Usually when Cas was away on Heaven Duty or whatever, he'd at least text from time to time, letting them know where he was, what he was up to, how he was doing, how much longer he'd be off.

This time? Nothing.

No call, no text, no voicemail, nothing.

Come on, man, where are you? It's almost two weeks, Cas. We...ah. We miss you. Come home soon. Amen.

Dean read the poem every night. He had smoothed out the paper with his hand, folding the crinkled page carefully. He slept with it under his pillow.

Cas? Cas, what the heck, man? Look, I understand, I crossed a boundary snooping in your private shit like that but I didn't know what it was, ok? Please, I'm sorry, it can't be that bad that you gotta ghost us like this for days on end. Just come home, please. We're gonna sort this out, promise. Just come home. Amen.

He'd finished. His own piece of paper lay tucked away in the drawer of his bedside table, full of words that were immensely relieving and utterly terrifying to put out there like that. They had been living in the dark so long, giving them a physical form felt dangerous.

But Dean didn't care anymore. He would give them to Cas, he would pour out his soul and pray that the angel wouldn't crush it under his heel. He would do whatever was necessary.

He just wanted Cas back.

Cas, please. I'm gonna apologize, ok? I'm gonna do whatever you want- we can just...forget I ever read anything if that's what you want. Please, Cas, whatever you want. I miss you. Come home. Amen.

No message. No call. No Cas.

Fuck this, Cas. Will you just frickin come home and talk to me? You can even take off afterwards and you'll never have to look at my face again but first, you gotta fucking come here and tell me! Don't do it like this. Please, you're scaring me. Come. Home. Amen.

We gotta talk. You know I don't say this kinda thing lightly. So please. Just...please.

Wish I would've told you sooner. Maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe then you hadn't flown off at all. I'm sorry. Amen.

I don't wanna lose you. You hear me, Cas? Don't make me lose you, not like this. Amen.

Cas. Come back to me. Please.

Please.