some days are just longer than 24h right? i mean my mom she's uh sorry for skipping lines. anyways... i really don't know what to say but i'll start. my mom is very strict and she controls everything a person can, my screen time, my clothes, my hair, my makeup, my music taste. i never do thungs without her authorization. but i just want to fit in so bad that i decide to get over her rules. yes, i have instagram, snapchat, no big deal man just get over it. so i have this friend who is struggling because of a breakup and my mom decided to read it all and kept gaslighting me and my friend because we're too dramatic. this was quite a while ago so i don't really have commentary on that, just something i thought i'd like to share. first off, these days I received my test papers and thought I wasn't gonna pass (the last grade needed to be 7,5+ so I could actually pass, i did but still) and my mom just started gaslighting me nonstop about how i am a fucking mistake and a fucking dumbass, like damn it's not my fault i have (fake) friends who take the best grades and volunteer and help out the teachers and participate. im different from them and she doesn't respect that. vacations and schooldays are starting to blend in in terms of stress and im scared i might go back to my worst state where i wanted to... myself. im scared its coming back and im scared my coping mechanisms might just not be working so efficiently anymore omg omg omg
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old injuries acting up- many scratches i had over a month ago are hurting again and im going crazy tired- why cant i just work? cant stop thinking- CANNOT HAVE A SINGLE SECOND OF PEACE OF MIND like just chill for a sec not enough sleep- i sleep like 4 hours a day is that not enough? early waking- i wake up at like 5-6am involuntarily even though it's vacation. can't make eye contact- i can't literally its just so hard for me i swear scratching skin: u guys should see my neck and my arm fr forgetful: not really, but i forget a lot always lonely in crowds: nobody understands, not even me. unjustified assumptions- self explanatory i do it more than breathing. there's this little voice jn my head that tells me that i dont deserve being happy or that my friends hate me or that im too prideful because im trying to get better but its just so so so hard. all the people insulting me just makes it worse. if you've never called me annoying or strange, you really don't know me well enough.
its just too many signs and im scared i thought i was okay. those times were too mentally horrible i cant even explain and i have a feeling that it's gonna become worse. i used to think abt sui**** almost every day because everything was just so overwhelming and i thought i wouldn't make it and my future just seems so blurry and numb i don't know whats going on.
Also fly me to the moon slays amiright (coping mechanism)
Word count: 558 so touch grass or else ill put its definition here
