you are in love

10

Today was  my birthday but I wasn't really In The birthday spirit it was the first birthday without my parents and my sister since she died I felt abandoned I mean yeah I had my brother and the fishers and belly laurel and Steven and Mille of course but still everyone had their parents but us who knows where the hell my mother is or my father life went down hill after my sister died I was always In her shadow she was my parents golden child when she died all hell broke loses none of us been the same since .

I've been up in my room  haven't go out the bed all morning everybody tired to come see what's was wrong but I would just shut them down  my head kept replaying the memories from last summer as much I tired to make it go away it wouldn't

Last summer
"Julessss wake up I got cake " I heard a vocie said from above me I groaned and rubbed my eyes to make my vision better I picked up my glasses and put them on to see a small birthday cake thats says 15 in light pink writing every year on my birthday at 12 am my sister sneaks in my room and bring a cake small enough we're u both can share and eat together before my actual birthday thing and we did it every year since I was five and Gwen was 8 and haven't stop doing it yet she started singing a whisper happy birthday and I just smiled admiring her her gloden blonde her and her pretty light brown eyes 

"Ok make a wish sissy" she says and puts the cake closer to my face  i closer my eyes made the wish the I wished for many years and blowed the candle out  she place the cake between us and grabs the forkes in her hoodie pocket and handed me one and started to eat the cake and laughed together

"Juju" a vocie says as I snapped out of my thoughts

"Do y'all know what don't come in mean" i said and rolled my eyes playfully

"Yes I do trust me but it was either me or my mom so " he says standing by my door akwardly

I lightly giggle and scoot  Over and patted my bed so he can sit and he moves from the door and sits next me

"So why are u locked up in ur room on ur birthday " he asks

"Connie " i said softly  and looked at him

It took him a moment to realize then it hit him

"Jules u know it wasn't ur fault right " he says pulling me closer to him

I didn't say a thing back but look down because if u asked my mother everything was my fault

Fall couple hours after the funeral back home me and my parents and my brother was sitting at the kitchen table eating my parents been arguing all day and rn my mom was drinking she's been drunk all day and my dad looks completely out of it ready to go home me and mason sat next to each other both puffy eyes from crying as much as we did

"Hannah can u stop fucking drinking I'm sure u can't get anymore drunk" my father says and he drops his fork on the table

"Shut the fuck up rafe " she says as she takes a sip from her wine bottle I just looked at her

"What the fuck are u stareing at Juliette dont forget she fucking dead because of u" she says and looks at me in disgust

"It's not my fault "i said quietly

"So u wasn't the fucking one who had her take u somwhere and u both got in the stuipd car crash and she fucking died instead of u" she says harshly standing up from her seat

Tears started to come down my face was it my fault did she die because of me the question  repeating in my head as my mother continue to yell at me getting closer