Dialogues

Chapter 2

_You know.. sometimes I feel like my trust is given to a little kid and they're playing with it tossing it around like it's a ball.. it goes far and comes back in the child's hands. never standing in one place.. it can easily be triggered..like the ball's actually a bubble that's able to grow again as many times as it bursts.. but each time it takes more time and it comes out more shallow..
Is it weird to put it like that?

+Dunno.. depends on what you count weird..
but I understand.. that's what matters, right?

_Yup. Good then.
But .. I always wonder.. how much you'll be able to understand.. how much it'll take you to get tired of trying to understand all the time

+Hmm.. I know it worries you. But you're worrying too much.. It's not like I'm the one understanding all the time. Don't count yourself as an uncivilized brutal demon or something. You also have a large amount of care and you're sweetly affectionate.. We'll be in a balance.. it's not just an unrequited thing like you think.

_Then what if I'm not affectionate anymore..
what if I stop being sweet one day and be all grumpy and moody ..Will you be able to handle that, too?

+My image of you isn't made from just your highs or just your lows, gyu.. it's a mixture of them.. You're a mixture of them..just like any other human being

_Can you believe.. that even now that we're talking, .. what comes to my mind is that "He's just saying it.. but in action, if it really happens, no one's willing to accept me"

+Yes, I know you can't trust me completely
But there's no problem.. I've gotten used to it

_Do.. Do you mean.. me not trusting you?.. You've ..gotten used to that? You.. You mean you've never really heard from me that I have trust in you.. and..and I've been avoiding to say this so much that you've gotten used to such a hurtful thing.. I.. lack perception so much that I didn't even notice how much I'm hurting you? And I kept on saying I don't trust you every time and it continued so much that it became normal?... God.. This is a complete disaster.. I.. I apologize.. I.. I'm sorry for how I behaved jun.. I..I_

Words were coming out of Beomgyu's mouth so fast and his breath intakes were clearly getting quicker and it seemed like a panic..

And Yoenjun was so immersed in how destructive the younger's mind could be that he couldn't even say something to stop it sooner.. yet he finally came to his senses and grabbed Beomgyu's shoulders in between the endless apologies he was giving, shaking him slightly trying to get him out of that sucking swamp.

+Hey hey hey.. stop apologizing .. I said that to prevent you from feeling guilty of your distrust.. I didn't mean to make it worse..God, I'm sorry I made you feel worse.. I.. I was just trying to say I'll be willing to wait patiently for you to trust me one day.. and you shouldn't blame yourself again.. But I messed up and somehow ended up giving you another wrong reason to blame yourself for ..

_I .. I don't want you to make you apologize ..

Said Beomgyu clearly regretting something he's done but didn't exactly know what. And panic and anxiety was shown in his worried furrowed eyebrows and his widened eyes like he'd just heard a bad news.

+God, me too..

_See.. I.. this was the loop I once mentioned... I apologized at first feeling guilty of what I did..but me feeling guilty made you feel guilty.. and now I'm again feeling guilty because I found out I made you guilty. The reasons never stop .. It's .. It's just like a vortex or something..

Explained gyu staring at a corner still with that anxious expression.. grabbing his bent knees in the process making himself look even smaller now.

Yeonjun's expression was now bitter as well.. as he felt hurt to see the boy so troubled.
And he was worriedly looking for suitable words to say to calm the boy down.

+Gyu.. I..You know.. The fact that you told me these alone says that you're getting better.. you're starting to trust again by opening up about your struggles to me.. to someone you feel ..more comfortable with.. You're starting to heal.. So don't blame yourself for any single thing you do and don't make new scars while the previous ones haven't healed yet..

_Ok.. let's stop.. I'm making a big deal out of something so simple and little .. I can't even remember what we were talking about in the beginning.. Sorry to bother you again.. I.. .. I just can't shake off the fear of getting hurt again so I tend to avoid telling you I trust you directly.. But.. You're right..And..I feel more than comfortable with you. I feel like I don't deserve you.

+That's not true.. you need to know that you deserve to be happy and of course to be loved..

_I love you

+I love you, too.
..But.. I wish you could love yourself, too..

_I ..

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