The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

I've never felt so alone PT 1

A/N: warning! Depictions of suicidal thoughts and ideation.

Penelope has run out of tears. She goes back to the motel room she stayed at with her mother, finding it empty.

There wasn't an exact purpose to finding her mother. Her father was dead, thanks to her, and she needed to at least tell her mother about it. Sometimes, Penelope suspected that her mother had always been in love with her dad. Maybe that's why she went on a road of self destruction, forgetting the child they had brought into the world.

Her body itched to turn around, go back to the house and lay in bed with Ash, letting him hold her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

But then she remembered that he was hurt because of her. He gave her everything and she gave him a wound. He gave her love and she gave him pain.

Right now, she would've been discussing college options with Lexi, applying for scholarships while helping at the bar.

Instead she's missing out on her senior year, wondering where her mother is, again.

She used the money she had, buying a cellphone charger and some extra clothes for herself. She got a motel room, sitting on the bed, waiting for her phone to charge.

This is what she deserved. She didn't deserve a happy ending. She deserved to sit in a strange place, with no comfort, no parents, and no love to hold her.

What would the world look like if she had never been born?

Her parents would have stayed together, maybe. Her mom wouldn't have gone into drugs. Her dad would have stayed.

She would've never met Ash. Ash wouldn't have been in pain.

She would've never heard his laugh, seen his smile, felt his lips, known his love.

Maybe the world would have been better off without her.

She heard her phone turn on, immediately hearing a call. It was a number she didn't recognize, humoring herself and answering the call.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Good morning, can I speak with Penelope Harrington?" A woman asked.

"This is she," Pen replied.

"Hello, Ms. Harrington, I'm calling on behalf of the Harrington family trust fund. Firstly, I wanted to express my condolences for the loss of your mother." The woman said.

Penelope's hand went to her lips, her mouth agape and her brows furrowed in confusion.

"I'm sorry, is my mother dead?" Penelope asked.

"My apologies. I thought you knew. Your mother passed away two weeks ago."

Penelope's hand gripped the sheets of the bed, not knowing how to react.

"Your mother had a trust fund that was revoked by her family when she left her home with her parents. After the death of your grandparents, their will stated to return the trust fund to whatever offspring Alicia, your mother, had produced." The woman explained primly.

At the age of 4, Penelope had begun to ask her mother why she didn't ever see her grandparents. There was often an eerie and uncomfortable silence that would follow which caused her younger self to stop asking.

Penelope let out a humorless laugh, "so you mean to tell me, my father is dead, my mother is dead, and my grandparents are dead too? You've gotta be fucking kidding me." She exclaimed.

"I understand this is quite a bit to process but we want to transfer this money you have inherited over to you."

Penelope didn't care about the money in that moment. Everything had dropped on her like a bomb.

"Okay, I just—uhm...do you know how my mom died?" Penelope's voice broke mid sentence. Her mother didn't love her, that much was evident, but Penelope loved her.

The woman on the phone was quiet for a few seconds before she answered, "she suffered an overdose."

Penelope broke through a sob, her hands on her lips, her body curling into itself in the bed.

She nodded profusely, "okay. Uhm. Thank you for the call. Just let me know what I have do about the money." She sobbed as she spoke.

"We'll keep in touch to deposit it into your bank account. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. This must not be easy." The woman empathized.

"Thank you." Her voice was small and almost unrecognizable in between her cries.

"Have a good day, Ms. Harrington. Oh and, happy birthday." She said before she hung up.

Today was her 18th birthday.

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The days turned into weeks, making Penelope lose track of time. She was surviving just fine with the money her mother's family had left behind.

She was 18 now, and getting an apartment wasn't hard. The girl wasn't a big spender either, so making sure her finances weren't spent on futile things wasn't difficult. Once she settled into her new life, things fell into a lifeless, monotone, rhythm.

Everyday, when she would wake up on a cheap mattress with no bed frame, she would ghost her fingers on Ash's number, before retracting her hand off and turning her phone off.

Why would she barge into his life again after she caused him so much pain?

She knew she was a coward for leaving without an explanation. It was a shitty thing to do. But how can Ash love someone that enjoys destroying their own life this much? It wasn't fair to him. She didn't deserve him.

She enrolled in school again and did it online to finish senior year. School was the one thing in her life that she was able to see through. It wasn't like she had many friends she was leaving behind to do online school.

This was the life she deserved. After so much pain and suffering she had caused to good people, she didn't deserve to be happy.

Penelope thought back to the book she read when Ash met her. It was a book he replaced with a new one. He kind of did that with her. He tried to fix things, make her something pretty and new with his love and care. But at the end of the day, she couldn't pretend like she wasn't a ratty book, read too many times, abused and ripped open to barely be held together.

Everyday, these days, she thought about who would find her If she decided that living like this wasn't worth it. Would a poor neighbor find her, lifeless and empty of any soul? Would anyone notice at all until all that was left of her was a putrid smell and maggots sliding through her?

She deserved to live in a spaceship galaxies away, being the loneliest girl in the universe.