LET IT RIP - The Bear fanfic

First Night

Author's note: please enjoy, I hope you'll like it! Also feel encouraged to leave comments I love reading them, y'all are so FUNNY! <3

The next song is for the folks who just got home from work on this gloomy Wednesday. Sit down on the couch now and enjoy some tunes. It's 6:55 pm and you're listening to 103.5 KISS FM of course. Good evening Chicag-

Carmy turned the radio off before the next song could fade in. He was sitting in his car in the community center's parking lot. He was an anxious mess and he thought that turning off the radio would give him some silence but it just made the buzzing and the constant negative thoughts in his head amplify in volume.

He rubbed his temples with his cold hands and ran his fingers through his messy locks a few times. It did not help his nerves whatsoever but it was worth a try.

One last thought of just bailing and turning the car keys again just to drive back home crossed his mind but he knew that would only make the dwelling worse. He came this far so he might as well just go in. Let it rip. He heard the familiar sentence ring in his ear.

It was a dark foggy and cold night. The single tall light in the parking lot barely illuminated the few parking spaces with it's ominous orange light. Carmy dug his hands deep down the pockets of his jacket and scrunched up his shoulders as he walked over to the entrance of the building.

The meeting was easy to find as the small community center only had a few rooms and only one had light and people in it. Carmy found a somewhat safe looking seat by the entrance which gave him an easy escape plan just in case he couldn't handle the situation.

But he stayed the whole time. The whole hour. His first Al Anon group meeting. How weird, how pathetic. He never would've gone if not for Sugar's recommendation. He would've never admitted to himself that he was in need of something like this. Well maybe not never, but definitely not for a while or until he actually set his apartment on fire in midst of a nightmare.

It wasn't as depressing as he expected it to be and he barely noticed that the whole hour had gone by when the group leader thanked everyone for coming and for sharing with the others. Who would've thought that sugar was right.

He stood up from his seat and made the quick exit that he strategized before anyone could talk to him or welcome him to the group. His jacket was still on, hands still in his pockets. He has been fidgeting with a receipt in there that has been shredded to pieces now.

Once outside he stopped at the side of the building just where the halo of the lonely parking lot lamp has faded out and left the walls and asphalt dark and black. He felt invisible here out of the light.

He lit a cigarette which must've blown his cover with it's glowing blaze because a few drags in a girl with a grey puffer jacket, a forest green beanie and an almost comically large scarf approached him.

"You've got a light?"

She asked with a cigaretta perched from her lips.

Carmy didn't answer jut flicked his lighter out and watched as the flame illuminated her face for a second. She extended one hand to cup the small flame and in doing so her cold hand brushed against Carmen's.

He didn't say anything yet he felt like he wanted to. Nothing of significance. Just anything. But he didn't know how. Like there was a barricade blocking him.

He thought that maybe people thought that he was quiet and reserved because he thought he was better than others or because he just didn't want to bother talking but that was not the case. He just didn't know how to put his thoughts and feelings into words. That's also cause of Mikey isn't it?

It wasn't just because of the stutter he had growing up. It was also because of him. Because he didn't really need to speak when Mikey was around. He spoke for him, he knew what was best for him, right? But he wasn't around anymore to speak for him. It was about time he started learning how to.

But he was just feeling so trapped by not being able describe what he was feeling. This made him unable to ask for help too but god, he and everyone else knew he needed it. Thank god for Sugar, cause she sent her here without a cry for help from Carmy.

"I'm Leah."

Carmy was so deep in his thoughts he didn't even realize that the girl was still there. He turned his head towards the sound but all he could see for a few seconds was the thick cloud of smoke leaving her slightly parted lips.

He quickly ran through all the different names people called him looking for the fitting one to tell this stranger. Carmen, Carmy, Bear, Cousin, Jeff, Chef, Berzato, son, brother..

"Carmen."

He spoke as the cloud of smoke cleared from in front of the girls face. They shared a second of eye contact before Carmy nervously looked down and threw his glowing cigarette bud on the ground before stepping on it.

He looked back at the stranger to watch her do the same thing. Her nose and cheek were red from the harsh icy air.

"Good talk."

She smiled and turned on her heels then swiftly made her way to the beat up Prius in the parking lot. Carmen watched as she turned on her car and pulled out of the parking lot. He cupped his palm on his forehead and filled his lungs with the crisp cool air as his confused mind tried to make sense of the interaction he just had. He had no success so eventually he left too.

Only once he sat in his car again did he realise that the buzzing in his head became quieter. Not quite gone but not on the deafening volume that it has been on the past weeks. That's got to be progress, right?