LET IT RIP - The Bear fanfic

Third Night

"So yesterday was my dad's birthday. He would've been sixty now.

That's a big deal isn't it?

Well apparently not a big enough deal to me. Because I forgot about it.

My brother called me at night and asked me how I was doing.
And I told him I was great, cause I was great.

And then I felt so guilty.
I felt so guilty for being okay.

But that's progress isn't it?
I mean not the guilt. But the being okay part.

Anyways after the call I wasn't okay. Not anymore.

I was mad at myself. And I was mad at him.

For dying y'know.

And also the fact that his birthday doesn't mean shit anymore. Because he'll always stay 53.

Anyways.
I'm okay now.

Okay again today.

And I reckon I'll be okay next year.

And maybe, just maybe the fact that I forgot means that things are better now.

Uhm thanks. That's it from me now."

Leah stood up and patted down her dress then looked up for a bit and she caught Carmen's gaze at the back row for a split second before he looked away swiftly. She inhaled deeply and made her way back to her usual seat and Rosalie followed her place to talk for a bit.

Carmen was relieved to make it out of the room without an invitation this time. Not because he hated the outing last week just because it was easier to be alone. As much as he sometimes straight up hated the patterns of thoughts and memories that his mind put him through it was still familiar and easy.

He retrieved back to the corner of the parking lot backed up by the brick wall of the building that wasn't illuminated by the single light. He automatically lit a cigarette and watched the puddles a few feet ahead of him as they reflected the light and the dingy community center building.

"Hey."

Leah approached him but this time she didn't ask for a lighter she had her own and lit up. Carmen nodded to greet her but didn't say anything. He waited for Leah to break the silence again but she never did.

"Where's your car?"

Carmy finally strung a sentence together that was maybe worth saying aloud. He ran his pointer finger and his thumb along his jaw and turned his gaze at Leah waiting for and answer.

"What?"

"You're uh.. Prius. It's always there."

He gestured with his cigarette in his hand in the direction of the parking spot she always took.

"Oh."

She took a long drag before continuing.

"It's in the shop. Getting fixed. It's really fucking old."

She chukled at the last remark and took another breath of the smoke. Carmen nodded again as no verbal response came to his mind.

You're so bad at this chef. He heard the familiar voice in his head. The notorious sentence that just bounced around in his head like the dvd logo on the television.

"I took a cab here."

Carmy glanced up towards her only to see the dark outlines of her face in the dim lighting.

"Heard."

Carmen mumbled and silence followed once again. It wasn't uncomfortable silence. Carmy was used to spending all day with people and only talking in orders without any chit chat or heart to heart anyway. I mean what was there to say even? Sorry your dad died? Hard pass.

"I can give you a ride if you want."

Carmen proclaimed after they both stubbed out their cigarettes in unison. He once again turned his icy gaze towards the girl to find slight hesitation in her face.

"Sure, thanks."

They sat in Carmen's car, both of them lingering in the musk of their own brand of cigarettes.

"So you're not gonna ask me?"

Carmen asked after a few minutes of silent driving.

"Ask you what?"

"Why I'm at the meetings. Who's the addict."

"Do you want me to ask you?"

Carmy could tell that she turned her head towards him but he didn't move his gaze from the road.

"I don't know."

"Well then let me know if you do.. Carmen."

It bothered him how she said his name. Mockingly. No one even called him Carmen. Not unless he was in big trouble. Why on earth did he say this version to her in the first place?

Carmy didn't say anything on the rest of the drive and she only spoke to give him the directions to her place.

"Do you want to come up?"

Carmy was not prepared for that question and he was unable to answer it. He didn't know what he wanted and even if he did he wasn't sure he would be able to say it.

"Are you scared?"

Leah asked while tilting her head to the side curiously.

"No."

He lied automatically.

"Lie."

Damn. He felt far from invisible now. What now chef?

"You want me to tell you what to do?"

Carmy swallowed. He couldn't say the words so he just nodded and looked down at the pedals by his foot.

"Come on then."