White Rabbit

Part Four

We watch the news for a while. We eat breakfast in a little cafeteria-like room, but all of the food is pre-prepared and pre-served. They call out everyone's name, one at a time, and each person takes their tray. I'm one of the last. There are no empty tables, so I sit kitty corner from a middle aged Black woman at a small rectangle table and don't make eye contact.

"Hi," she says anyway.

"I'm Millie," she says.

"Diana," I murmur. I look up from my barely-thawed waffles. She's smiling at me. I try to smile back, but I'm not sure I remember how. Her hair is braided and pulled back in a tight bun.

"It's okay," Millie says.

"I've been here a while. You get used to it. It gets less scary," she says.

"And don't worry about May."

"Who?" I ask.

"May. The woman who called you a bitch? Just ignore her. She does that to everyone. She'll do it again. Just don't respond."

"I wasn't planning on it," I say.

"But thank you for the advice," I add.

"Are you in the single room?" Millie asks.

I nod, but I don't elaborate.

"One of my roommates is leaving tomorrow. Maybe they'll move you over with me."

"Maybe," I say, but I can't bring myself to fake enthusiasm.

Millie continues to try to make small talk throughout breakfast, even lingering after she's finished as I continue to try to eat. The food is cold and the milk is warm and I'm nauseous as it is, so it takes me a long time to get through any of it. Eventually I manage half a waffle and a sausage patty, but not without forcing myself to gag it down.

I return my tray to the worker behind the counter and Millie follows me back out into the day room, still trying to chat. I wish she'd shut up. My head is pounding and everything still hurts. I'm not sure how to ask her to be quiet, so she continues to jabber at me about stupid, inane things.

***

Everyone is required to come to the morning goals group. Carrie is there, May, Millie, Laura. David still sits right next to me, in my space. My guess of twenty wasn't too far off: there are twenty-six people on the ward right now. I'll never learn all their names. Some of them will probably be leaving so soon it won't matter, and more people whose names I'll never learn will come in to take their places.

A young Black woman, maybe in her mid-twenties, enters the room with a stereo and a big book of CDs. She fiddles around with it a little and starts with some gentle classical piano music, played very softly.

That's a nice touch, I think. I wouldn't have expected them to put that kind of effort in at a place like this. Maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe I can just get a medication change and go.

"Good morning, everyone!" the woman says. A few people say good morning. A few grumble. Many don't respond at all. "It looks like we have a few new faces here, so I'll introduce myself. My name is Tisha and I'm one of the day techs. I host a number of different groups: the coping skills group, the crafts group, and the exercise group. I hope to see you all there today! Let's go around and introduce ourselves for the benefit of our new patients."

Everyone goes around in a circle. Some people are more detailed than others. Some give names, some start giving life stories that Tisha has to cut off so we can keep moving. The other new woman's name is Patty, and she's in for depression and anxiety. She lost her job when she had a breakdown at work.