One more Attempt to Failure

Attempt 1

Name's Clara. I'm done with all the bullshit. I don't want people to feel pity for me or think that I'm stupid. I'm me, and I hate when people assume something I'm not just by looking at me. Unknowing that I'm the smartest person in my class or the fact that I'm some preppy kid from a private school. See, no since I'm Native American and Black, I must be dumb and poor, right? Funniest joke I've ever heard of.

I just don't get why the kids have to do it too though. I mean I get that the adults came from a time where racism might have been okay but in this day and age, why are the students still doing it? I blame the crappy parenting these days. Parent who don't care are the worst, but also the parents that care too much are just as bad. Except parents that are just in the middle, the perfect parents, don't exist like that.

My mom's has been neglecting to acknowledge my feelings these past 4-5 years and people don't think much of it but I do. It's partially my fault anyways, I keep my feelings all to myself. So in all honesty, no one knows how I really feel. How really damaged I am. As much as friends and family like to act as if they really know me, they don't.

I finally racked up the courage to actually tell a teacher about my personal feelings. It didn't turn out how I expected but it was almost what I wanted. So my school social worker got my into therapy at school but I've been skipping it. Not on purpose, I still don't get why others would, but I missed appointments because I simply forgot. I have no excuse as to why, I just forget things a lot lately. I don't mean to but it just happens and other just blame me like I'm doing it on purpose. Why would I want to not go to therapy and go to class, as suppose as I go to therapy and skip class? I'm pretty sure I would definitely skip class for therapy, and just sit there talking and having someone listen to me for an whole hour.

So the few times I did go. My therapist Dr. Benz kept asking me how I feel and what I would want different in life. It was actually really hard, because I wasn't exactly certain of what I wanted changed in my life... Nor did I know myself how I even felt. All I felt inside was dead. So after a while she suggested that I start a blog or something, the one thing this generation's parents hate us being on. The internet.

So I decided I'd make a Instagram account no harm in that, right? Like photos, post photos, and comment on other's photos. It didn't work out so well for my the first time because after 20 weeks my account got reported and taken down because of one photo I posted of a messenger group chat I posted of my friends and I calling each other "faggets".

Yeah, I get the fact that, that word is offensive but to all the people who reported it could have just asked me politely to take it down I would have!

Ever since I started Instagram, it has basically taken over my life. I made bew friends and started new a new life style. I actually created an alter ego that I didn't know it would effect my life so much.

One day though, I was pissed because this person I liked started dating one of my closest friends and they both knew how much I liked this person. I snapped. Then I took it out on my friends from Insta and I almost lost them. So I made a apology post because it all wouldn't fit in a DM.

"Sorry for acting like such a bitch. I know what I said and I know what I meant but I didn't think you guys would take it so serious. I was dealing with these problems personally and took it out on you guys. I just think it's time I just say the real reason I wanted to be a Marco. Not because JeanxMarco are OTP but for deeper reasons that I'm pretty sure our teenage society on social media can relate to.

I wanted to start this to see how many people around the world would love me when the people I cared about the most wanted me dead. I've been going to therapy and will continue going to therapy until I'm 18 because of my probation.

Now the real reason why I wanted to be a Marco? Because I wanted to be someone who was already is dead because inside me I am dead. I can't control how I feel. I just feel dead, I don't know what I am right know. The past of me that is dead is what I wanted to express because the part of that is dead is the part of me that I can't speak out loud because no one would care. The part of that can't speak aloud to anyone in this entire existence is the part of me that can live through here. When I'm Marco and not Clara, I can express the dead inside me that no one wants."

So many times people would teel me that I'm too nice and sweet.  At least until they actually know me.  I am actually a cold hearted bitch.  It's not who I like to be but it's what society created me to be.  Then when I act out and shit, they go back against me.  Wondering, why am I like this?  Great question! Why am I like this?

It should be simples, I mean if society didn't put so much pressure on teens today.  Then maybe teenagers wouldn't feel like they are being constantly watched.  Pressure makes us do stupid things because we feel the need to make everything perfect but end up doing the opposite.

Ever think that maybe Perfection is as perfect as you want it to be?

Why does Perfect have to be the same as everyone else's perfect?  Why can't we just be ourselves and be perfect in the eyes of another?  Most likely because our parents wants us to be perfect in the eyes of everyone...

I constantly set myself up for success and just get shot down because I'm too serious about things. That's the problem, I'm too serious. A few years back a group of girls told me to kill myself and I did. I tried. My mom broke the bathroom door. Fail.

This time, I'm not going to set myself up for success, I'm setting myself up for failure. I don't want people to think I'm all serious and no fun. That's why I act out with you guys, it make me feel alive it makes me feel me again. The me I used to be, the one who used to know how to have fun back in elementary school.

The kid that didn't care what people said or did to try and hurt my feelings. That's who I want to be again but I can't at least not anymore because that's someone everyone has forgotten and expect be by to be someone completely different from that. Someone cooler, smarter, funnier.... BETTER. I don't want to be someone better so they stopped listening. Stopped caring. Started telling me I was worthless if I didn't want to be that person.