This Time Around

Chapter 6 - Layla

Did he just say that he wanted me? I stopped taking my medicine, but I might have to start back. I'm hearing fucking voices again. My therapist thinks that it is just my inner thoughts over processing everything, but this came from his mouth.

"I have always felt a connection to you. I envisioned what life would be like by your side since the first encounter we had. The only issue that I have is sex, and I know that I'll probably fuck around and dip off into someone else for a release. I don't want that to be us. I don't want you to ever have that image of me in your head."

At least he is being honest. No matter how much my mind and body betrays me when I am looking at the handsome man sitting across from me, I want to be available only to my husband. If it's in God's plan to bless me with another one.

"Pres, I can't have sex before marriage, what would that be like for us?"

"I know that you can't and again, I don't want you to think that you have to, in order to be with me. That's one of the things that attracts me to you. It's me that needs to change, and right now I can't confidently say that I can make that change overnight."

I know what he is saying, but how can I just sit on the sidelines for him to decide when he is going to be ready.

"You want me to allow you to sleep around until you know you can be faithful?"

"Yes. No. Shit. I want you to know that I don't want to hurt you by sleeping around. I care about you, Kehlani. A whole hell of a lot more than just us being friends."

I am speechless. I don't know what to say. This man is the only other man that has ever gotten a reaction out of my body. Guys flirt all the time. Some are very handsome, but they never make shivers flow through my body. 

However, Roman and Preston have my body doing things and feeling sensations I've never even thought possible.

"I'm not asking you to sit on the side while I'm in a relationship with someone else. You know how I am. I like to stick with what's familiar, but it will never be a relationship. It's only for a sexual release. That's all."

"That's the same thing that he said. He liked what was familiar. Who's to say you won't want that same familiarity if and once we decide to be together?" 

I'm not confident that he will be able to understand my condition or that I will be able to satisfy him. Why even set myself up for failure.

"I'm not him. Don't compare me to him. When I commit to you, I'm all in. That's why I can't do it now. I know that I'm not able to make that commitment. I'm a man and I have sexual needs."

'He needs a woman to take care of those needs. You are still a little girl.'

Please don't let this shit start again.

"Why is it so hard to just commit and take the journey with me? We can date and discover things about each other that we haven't already and who knows, it may even make things progress faster."

We have spent a while back and forth on this same topic. He says that he wants me, but can't commit. I was okay with that until he dropped a bomb on me two years ago. He said that he wanted to try to work things out with Shauntie. 

Jream wanted his parents together and he wanted to at least let his son know that he would do anything to make him happy.

"You know what I have going on. I'm being pulled in every direction and right now is just not the time. I don't do well with stress and sex is one of the ways I deal with it. I'm not a heavy drinker and you know I don't smoke or do drugs."