Dear God,
I am tired. I am tired of trying, I am tired of the dead ends, I am tired of striving for things and I am tired of feeling defeated. You are supposed to be my safe place, but somehow I do not feel safe with You. Are You not supposed to be my shield? Are You not supposed to be my protection? I constantly feel the world, the enemy, and just the oddities of life pelting at my soul, and I feel as if the flesh of my spirit is being stripped away. I hate where You have me. I hate where You have placed me. I hate feeling this way, I hate being here, I hate it. I'm trying to be obedient. I am trying to be respectful. I am trying to serve You, and there seems to be no return. No peace. No riches, no blessings. I feel far from my friends, and not because I have pushed them away. But because most have left me. And the one that has not left is the one who caused me pain so distance still exists. I feel like a fool. I feel like You have dangled the possibilities of work and goodness in front of me and just taken it away at the last moment. It's cruel. My grandmother suffers from a bit of dementia and has turned into a mean woman who I am trying not to despise because You said to love. She wants me out of her house very soon, and I must be employed in order to return to my parents house. I have never understood You in the last few years. I never know what I'm doing. I am 26 and I am nowhere. I have no full time job, no in person friends, no money, no husband, no children, nothing. I hate this so much God. I want to be obedient but You make it so hard to want to be by You when nothing seems to be going right. Literally nothing. I cannot survive on the meager wages I make, I am chronically ill and have no health insurance, why are You not allowing me a job? I give up.
Date unknown
