I have come a long long way since my last entry. The sadness has all but gone, the hurt sometimes arises when I feel like something was taken from me, or when I feel as if I'd been wronged by the three people whom at one point I held most dear. But God has revealed to me that I do not have the luxury to make myself the victim any longer. I have had my moment. I have had my time to cry, to grieve, to ache. And what a time it was. I had lost my best friend almost ten years ago due to a car accident. She had been one of the brightest lights of my life. Her neverending positivity in contrast to my pessimistic attitude. Her smile, the way she laughed, her incredibly brilliant mind. Even that pain of having to let her go forever was different from the pain of losing my three. I had had to learn how to grieve people who were still alive. To love them from a distance, with a transparent, but thick and unbreakable wall in between us. It had been a pain like no other to grieve the first close friends I'd made since losing my best friend. I had questioned God. Asked, wondered, contemplated why He would give me such beautiful people only to take them from me in such a brutal way. But I have given up seeking answers. I have given up on that insatiable need to KNOW. Because God has taught me that some things I will never know. Some things I could never understand. The melancholy music that I thought reminded me of them is now just beautiful music that brings a warmth to my spirit and a smile to my heart. As the memory of our amazing times does.
I am reminded of a lyric within one of my favorite songs:
"But I always knew, that in the end, no one was comin to save me. So I just prayed. And I keep prayin. And prayin. And prayin. If it's meant to be then it will be. So I met Him there and told Him I believe."
And I have never related to another song lyric in all of my beautiful existence as much as I have that one. There was no saving me from this devastation. There was no liberty, there was no freedom, because God needed me to learn within that devastating moment. Who He was. What He could give me. To trust on Him and to be okay with not having the things that I felt my very soul demanded. And looking back, that's all it was. Just a moment. A fraction of a second within the ever moving and rapidly progressing thing that we call time. As I sit here, and I journal, I am almost brought to tears as I recall. Both the beauty and the pain of what love is, and just how incredible and flawed humans are. The intricacies of our souls and our minds and our hearts, and the depth and the definition of what it means to be human can never bring forth perfection. I have written my friends within journals, said goodbye to them several times in my mind, on paper, in prayer. But this chapter here will be the final goodbye to those wonderful beings. This chapter here will be a final, permanent monument of our crazy, intense, incredible, passionate, imperfect friendship. But that is okay. I have long since grown out of the need to have things spotless, my childhood hunger for perfection has long since died. I have the only perfect thing that I need, and His name is Jesus. And I have been ever so grateful and in love with my God. He has remained the only consistent, pleasant, breathtakingly beautiful individual within my life.
To whomever it may concern, I pray over you right now. I plead the blood of Jesus over whoever reads these pages. I bless you in His Almighty Name. May He forever shine upon you, give you peace, and walk with you.
I believe this will be the last entry within this short series, as I will no longer be considering myself a sad Christian girl. Thank you, to whoever read these pieces of my heart.
Your loving friend,
Ellie.
09/08/24 11:36
