Now I lie in my bed, 5 days after I killed her, still in a pool of guilt and fear. This country is cruel enough to sentence me to the electric chair in front of my family members for murder and if they found out what I did... Who knows what they would do? Mr and Mrs Arias would despise me, so would my parents and everyone in my life, so even if by some miracle I did get out of jail, I would have nowhere to go because they wouldn't want to see my face. I wouldn't want to see my face either. I'm a monster. I ended her life. And for what? Money? A boy? Friends? That was not worth killing over.
I would have usually sat by my bed and prayed to the heavens as I did every night before I killed her and prayed "that this nightmare would be over" but I know it won't and it never will, it will haunt me for the rest of my years. It will haunt me forever, so instead I now apologise to Paige and to the Lord, I recite paragraphs upon paragraphs of apologies, occasional tears streaming down up to my neck. I know I am going to do this for the rest of my days, until I can hug Paige and beg for forgiveness.
I feel like a pile of jell'o and I look like they've buried my face in baby powder and drawn countless layers of permanent black marker under my eyes, I haven't washed my hair in days and I haven't eaten more than a salad, granola bar and trail mix every day so now it looks like my skin is barely hanging from my bones. I can't bring myself to leave the house because it would just mean having to see the church where He is scolding me with His judging eyes. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to sit in my room and weep, for days and days and days. I want to starve myself until I die, so I can live a slow painful death as punishment for the horrible and unthinkable sin I had committed.
"I'm so sorry, so so sorry. I ruined you, I tore everything away from you and I don't deserve forgiveness but I need it, please. I don't know what to do to earn back your trust but I need to hug you and say sorry, to tell you I never meant to hurt you, to tell you I miss you before I go to hell," I sob, choking on my own words in between phrases. Her blue eyes must be staring down at me, with hate and resentment. I hate and resent myself too. I'm a monster and I know it. I deserve to be tortured and then killed only to be tortured again for eternity in hell. That's what I deserve.
I just cry on the floor for days, and I will do so until I die. I'm a monster. A monster. That's what I am. And monsters deserve to die.
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I did it
Mistério / SuspenseI don't know why I did it. I don't know why they don't know yet. I hate myself for doing it. I saw it happen, because I made it happen. I made Paige drop to the floor, blood trickling out of her mouth. I hate myself. I miss her. I regret it. But no...
