IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN US

THE ELEVATOR

Never for once did I think that I would be saying this to him. HIM, who used to be my everything, the only thing I knew I could call MINE, HOME, not my first love but my last, or at least I wanted it to be.  But here I am, standing right in front of him waiting for him to look away so that I could tell him this is the last time we are in this home together, the last time he gets to see me from this close, the last time I could look at him and not feel guilty. 

'' what would you like to have? Is anything special or the usual? '' he asked. 

" I would like you not to look at me the way you do," I said not knowing if this was the right time but will there ever be a right time to tell him that I can't love him anymore? that I can't look at him the way I used to, that I can't kiss him like I used to anymore. 

TEN MONTHS EARLIER.....

" Where are you? I am right in front of your apartment.  what do you mean you are not at home, I told you I'm coming today." 

I still can't believe that I chose to live with this idiot, who seems to completely forget about my arrival when I made sure to text her about the same every day. As soon as I finished my college degree, I got lucky enough to find this job in San Fransico. Everything was going perfectly, like a dream, except the fact that I recently broke up with my longtime boyfriend who was stupid enough to get angry because I was shifting to a new place, and he had no interest in coming here along with me. Luckily, I got over him pretty soon than I expected and realized that our love was probably not that deep, or was it because I didn't love him at all? I liked him for sure, he was cute, pretty decent, good with words and other stuff you know and maybe that's why I said yes to him when he proposed to me on valentines. But was all of that enough to fall in love with him?  I was never the ' fell in love ' type, I never had this urge or feeling to be with someone so badly, so badly that I don't care what's at stake, I just want to be with person for the eternity, without a single thought I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever know because I am currently not looking forward to dating anyone, for a while at least. 

 With all these thoughts and hands full of luggage, I was waiting for the elevator to go to the room of my friend, whom I just asked to move in with, we are going to go to the same office, she used to live in my neighborhood till last year, she shifted here as soon as she landed a job here and now, we are going to be roommates. It's going to be fun considering how different we both are from each other. The elevator comes, and the moment I laid my eyes on this man, this freaking man, who made me question my whole ideology about wanting to be with someone, this goddamn handsome man who just made me feel all these vibrations to the places I never knew existed on this body. I stood there, numb, like a statue, wondering if he has a girlfriend or was married because that would be torture to me. This man, who made me feel all these things with a single gaze at him. God knows what would happen when he talks to me, which he did, eventually.

" Are you coming in or not? "

what was that? how could these words be coming out of his mouth sound so irrelevant yet romantic? 

And then it hit me, that I'm just standing there, staring at him with eyes full of lust probably.

I rushed into the elevator and said sorry to him. I could feel the awkwardness that just filled the elevator. I was wondering what he was thinking about me or why I was staring at him like he was my Thanksgiving dinner.