The Fault in Our Chads

2

That morning, my routine started off just the same as it ever was. I woke up, stretched (handsomely), yawned (even more handsomely), and prepared to check the Facebook group. All of this was normal. The notification that appeared when I opened the group's page was one that nothing, not even my future self appearing to me in a dream to warn me, could have prepared me for: new member, Benjamin Florian.

I was taken aback! It wasn't every day your Facebook group consisting of eight hot men suddenly had nine hot men, especially since most groups tend to have more than eight members but much less than nine hot ones. The balance of our fragile little ecosystem had been thrown off! We had an unspoken hierarchy of which of us were hotter than the others, but now we had to find a way to fit in this newcomer. Yuck.

As I scrolled through our daily assortment of dairy-bashing, I noticed that the new guy had already involved himself in the conversation. But it wasn't in the way I expected. Mr. Florian posted a picture of a cow with the caption "this woman contributes to the economy, thank you miss Moonique". I didn't know why he was sucking up to this cow so much, but I was determined to find out.

In order to maintain my position as the alpha of this ecosystem, I left him a polite little comment saying, "you sucking her spiritual teet isn't gonna make you any less lactose intolerant, dude". That should teach him his place, right? I thought it would, at least.

Instead, a few minutes later I received a notification saying "Benjamin Florian liked your comment".

"Why on earth would he do such a thing?" I questioned myself aloud like the productive intellectual I am. And just as quickly as the first notification appeared, a second one followed.

Comment Replies

Benjamin Florian: Haha, I appreciate your humor, Chad Charming. However, I must ask you: what's the purpose of disrespecting the cow? Does the disrespect make you feel like you've regained some power over bovine buddies? It isn't her fault we can't enjoy the fruits of her labors, after all. Personally, I feel as though the cow and I simply live different lives. We're separate, but we can still coexist as allies, not adversaries, when necessary. It seems your feelings are different and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Chad Charming: Well Benjamin Florian I think cows are stupid and mean and not as cool as me

Liked by Harry Hook and 6 others

It was at that moment when I knew I had once again cemented my place as the top dog of the group, even though I must admit this new "Benjamin" fellow may be a close second. Close, but not close enough to overthrow me, of course. Benjamin Florian would never play a significant role in my life. Right?