so below (h.s.)

1- Why didn't I just get a cat?

Everyday I go through the same, monotonous routine. I wake up, I get ready for the day and go to work at my shitty job, I drive home and make myself a shitty dinner, and I get ready for bed.

And then the day restarts.

I used to love routine. I used to thrive off of it. I liked knowing exactly what I would be doing and when. The need to have structure definitely stemmed from my chaotic childhood, but it made me happy and that's what mattered. I was happy.

Am I happy now? Not really.

My apartment used to be filled with laughter, bright natural light coming through every window I had, beautiful, luscious plants in every corner, the smell of whatever new recipe I decided go try for dinner. I would come home from my job, which has always been shitty but manageable, always in the best mood and ready put on my favorite ever-growing playlist and dance through the routine of my evening.

I would walk through the door to my boyfriend of six years and hear him playing video games in the bedroom and it brought a smile to my face to know that I had someone to come home to, someone who loved me for me. Someone I knew I could always be authentic self around and was supportive of everything that I was.

I never once doubted that Noah loved me with his entire being. He would show it in his own way which I always appreciated and looked forward to. When he would hear my loud, obnoxious laugh and look at me with so much love in his eyes to tell me that I was his best friend. When we would be laying in bed, watching a movie together and he would lay his arm out for me to scoot towards him and lay my head on his chest. He really was my best friend.

For a while.

Once we celebrated year six and talk of marriage came up, I didn't realize that maybe I wasn't in love with him anymore until the thought of being tied to him in that way sent me into a visible panic. I still loved him, but in way that you would love and care for a friend. I'd always dreamed of having a family of my own, but the thought of him being the father of my children made me sick to my stomach when I envisioned what my life would be like.

As it was, I was practically his mother. It took me a long time to realize that we had fallen into this dynamic, but that's what love does to you. Rose colored glasses are real, unfortunately. When I think back on it, it makes me feel incredibly stupid for not seeing it sooner. For gods sake the man was twenty nine years old and still had to ask me how to turn on the dryer.

Everything was left to me. I had a stable, decent paying job at a call center, while he had never held a job for longer than six months at a time. I handled all our finances while he was spending every last penny we had on his hobbies that he constantly switched. Any attempt of me asking to him to help more around the house was met with "I don't know how, you do these things so much better than me." I fell for it every time.

We hadn't been out on a date in over a year, and even then I planned our dates. I would ask him to put forth more effort into planning something for us, but he would say "What if you don't like it?" It felt pointless to continue to beg him to show more interest in me.

When I thought about our future, I thought about how all the wedding planning would be on me. All the budgeting, the invites, choosing a cake. Thinking about kids made me even more nauseous. I'd basically be taking care of two kids, one of which was going to be a newborn, all by myself. I couldn't handle it.

I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my depression started. There are two moments in our relationship that stick out in my mind where I t truly felt like the world was caving in under my feet at the thought of not wanting to have Noah in my life anymore. The first was when I accidentally dropped a plate on the tile floor and it shattered, I swear into a million pieces. The glass ended up in parts of the apartment I didn't think was possible. I stood there in shock at the mess it made, and when he came running in from the bedroom instead of seeing me standing directly in the middle of it all with nothing on my bare feet and offering to help me, he stormed off growling at me that I needed to be more careful and left me there to walk across the glass and clean up the mess myself.