I am alive. In a way. I am walking, breathing, talking, and sleeping. But I feel numb. I can't feel emotions sometimes. I just walk around acting okay, but I'm not. I'm far from okay. I'll get there someday. Not right now though. I don't understand why people get treated like shit if they don't deserve so. For example, me and my friend maddie. She doesn't deserve pain. She thinks poorly of herself and it makes me so upset. She's so beautiful, talented, kind, caring and loving. People don't see how amazing she is because she puts up walls and don't let people in. But my god, she's such an amazing person. Me.. I don't deserve this. I give out a lot of care and love and get back nothing but pain. I just wanna be happy. I'm young and shouldn't be feeling this way. I shut people out because it's easier. People treat others so terribly but until they know they're actually hurt inside they act all nice and I hate that. It's so fake. Nobody should be so rude to someone. Everyday millions of people kill themselves because of pain and bullying. Why do we do that? Yes, I've bullied before and not realized it really hurt that person. I apologized to each and every person I did that to. Now I don't bully. If you get bullied please don't hurt yourself. Someone loves and cares about you so much and by you doing that could totally break them. Please, I beg you. If you don't have any one there for you, I will be that person. I don't want anyone in pain, but this is life and without it we wouldn't know "happiness". I've fallen too deep and I can't get out of this mess. I don't know how to get through each day without having something go terribly wrong. A lot of my friends have no idea I go through this crap. I hide it all and bottle it up and other times I'm an open person. I wish pain wasn't in this world. I love each and every one of you guys and I hope you find hope in the world because you deserve a happy life. I won't tell you you'll be okay because that's not what you wanna hear because that doesn't help us. I hope you know that pain won't last your whole life. You will be happy, but don't keep looking in the same place you lost it. You're a survivor.
you're going to get past this.
You're going to see the fabled rainbow after the storm.
I can't tell you that the journey is not going to be painful, because it will be. It definitely will be easy. It will be countless times when you wake up feeling the rays of the sun warming your skin and looking forward to what the day has to offer. But there'll also be those days, more often than not, where you won't even have the energy to open your eyes because once you do, you will have to go through yet another day with the pain in your heart. You'll feel like you have to pretend that everything is picture-perfect. I can't tell you that moving on will be quick either. it won't. Do you take your time if you need to grieve for months, then so be it. don't pay attention to what other people are going to think. moving on is different for everyone. you need as much time as you need to move on, considering the pain you've already been through. don't try to numb the pain. don't pretend it's not there. Accept it. Embrace it. Or don't move on. I'm not saying you should constantly cry over him, nor that you should spend the day brooding. it's just that it is easier accepting what you're going through than numbing the pain because once you feel it, hell.. it's going to hurt a whole lot more. Just let me remind you, it wasn't your fault. It never was. Never blame yourself for his mistakes. Everything he did is a choice. He made that decision.. Not because you were inadequate. Hell no, but because he wanted a quick lay over a lifetime of happiness and unconditional love. That was him. That wasn't you. You gave him everything you could offer. You did everything you could to make it work. You were willing to fight for him. . you were there when he wanted comfort. That's really noble of you but you have to keep moving forward. It's nice to look back at the past once in a while but don't get lost in that because that's what it is... The past. you can't change it. Don't berate your self for loving him either, because he was once a good guy. He loved you and you love him back. There were countless memories of pure bliss; the times he made you teary for laughing too much at his jokes; for making you feel like you could melt into goo with the sweet surprises he did for you. yes, these things are real. They happened. They were signs of love. No relationship is perfect, but yours is perfect in its own way. You pictured the future with him, a happily ever after. He might have meant it whenever he declared his love for you, but somehow along the lines, they became just empty words, soiled by insecure apologies and fabricated promises.
you might have lost someone, but you have gained so much more during this ordeal. Love is not supposed to end up like this. Love doesn't end up like this. Don't let him take your shine. Don't let him take your ability to love again because love is the best thing we do.
