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Last May is Gone

Last time I even looked at this lil journal was last year in May.

It's kind of a surreal thing to see how bad I was doing. Some of the drafts I have saved from that time are so dark and down. I have deleted them now because it's not how I feel, and it's not how I ever want to feel again.

I hate to be that person to say that I am growing and learning and all that cheesy cliche stuff, but I honestly feel like I'm a whole new person, at least for now. I don't want to be that person to doubt how long I'll be happy for either. I think a lot of the time I am negative and I think my mindset is a lot of the reason that I get brought down.

I think my body has been through a lot in the past few months because when I'm down, so is my health. I was sick A LOT at the start of the year and I'm fully convinced it was the load of work I was doing. I wasn't even home for the first 3 days of the week except for sleep really. I was always busy. I hardly spent time with the people I care about & I feel as though I was really struggling to keep all of my relationships alive. My body was stressed & I knew it.

But I feel like I also had so so much support. All the people I cared about weren't mad at me like I would expect them to be. They weren't angry that I wasn't giving my full self into these relationships. I think the people that I've chosen to keep in my life are special. No matter if they've been there for a long time or just a short amount of time, the people I have now are ones that I want to keep forever. I think I've got some good things going, and for once, in a really long time, I am looking forward to the future.

Even writing that makes me feel like I'm gonna cry LOL.

Of course, I have my anxieties about certain things. That's how I've always been. But this time it's not really an ache in my chest that makes me feel like I'm gonna die at any second. It's more of...anxieties for the changes that are coming. It's kind of like a good anxiety, if that's even a thing.

I don't know why I even thought of this book (if you would even call it that) at this moment when I should be sleeping. I just feel like I need to write about what I've been feeling, and it really surprised me how much has changed since the last time I've been here.

I think I'll stop rambling now because I'm tired.

Good night, wishing anyone that reads this well 🤍