Spam

disconnect

A while ago I talked to some people about the possibility of going & I've been struggling with it. I do have an attachment to most of this and I feel the urge to write. I have the same urge as when I first started but I can never seem to find the time nowadays.

Life is moving so fast and to hold writing up on my list of things to do wouldn't be fair for me. I've grown to be content with where I am and although I do struggle sometimes, I feel better than I have been for the past few months. I've found a steady schedule of work, school, and time for myself without having the need to write. I've been getting outside & working out and keeping up with things that I need to be keeping up with.

I want to write, don't get me wrong. I do write when I want to, but it's not enough, in my opinion. I think that a lot of writers on here are updating frequently and I know it isn't about quantity, at least for me, but I kind of miss being able to publish a chapter every single day or two.

Anyway,, I'm rambling & im off track now lmao.

I feel very disconnected from the fandom, but very connected to my writing. I guess I'm kinda scared to just leave bc i do feel as if a big part of this is because of the lack of content & the lockdown that we are still in (here at least).

What happens when that goes away though? When the content comes flooding in & the new season comes. I know it's a while away until all of that, but I just dont like the idea of going & then regretting it.

After the past couple months, I've lost touch/fell out with people who I once called some of my closet online friends. It's not exactly the same anymore and I know I can't help that. I don't necessarily miss the people either,, I guess I miss more of the feeling? The feeling of getting online and having messages to wake up to. To having friends outside of my irl ones that cared about my well-being. To be able to turn to people without the pressures of having to see them for real was something i liked.

I do have my one or two friends online now. I enjoy them sm & im really so grateful for them. I know I'm the worst at replying and I know that i can't even find it in me to reply sometimes, but I really do appreciate them.

I think the same people who i used to be so close with have made me almost feel insecure in a way when it comes to deal with new people. I know we're messaging every day, and i know that our conversations are fine. I know that i enjoy talking to them but I can't but feel like they don't feel the same sometimes. Am I a bother?

I think im terrified of another person just slowly drifting away from me. I don't want that & ive already expressed my fear. I just domt want to be a burden and I think id rather know now if I was too much to take on.

This whole thing is a mess & kind everywhere but I had a lot on my mind. It's really a lot of rambling, so I'm sorry if you actually read this, lol.

Goodnight kiddos.